Life — April 26, 1900 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

366 A Weak Woman. HE stood four blocks in a cable car And with heartfelt sighs admitted Bhe felt so weak. ‘Then she went and stood For hours, while her gown was fitted, AN IMPORTANT QUESTION. HICH {s tho meanest city in tho United States ? This is an important question, and one that Lrrg would like to have definitely settled, With that object in view, wo offer A Prize of Fifty Dollars in Gold for the best statement of facts which prove that any particular city is the meanest one in this country, Conditions. Competitors must limit their arguments to three hundred words each. Write on one side of the paper only. ‘The contest will close June Ist, 1900, and the ‘award will be made as soon thereafter as the Tespective merits of the arguments can be deter- mined. ‘The winning argument will be printed, together with such others as may seem to Lire worthy of that distingulsbed honor. Names and addresses of the writers should ‘accompany all manuscripts. In no case will these be printed without the permission of the sender. Those who desire thelr manuscripts return: should enclose & stamped and addressed return envelope. Each manuscript may bear a pseudonym, which will be printed with the argument. ‘The Editors of Live ure to be the sole judges of the merits of the arguments. WATERTO' ¥; Ita charter says Watertown's acity, Otherwise it is an engorged village. Sald engorgement Includes provinctaltam, pseudo swelidom, pitch- holes aud perennially j»atitadinous poilticians, Watertown ts on the R.W. & 2. Elt Perkins, in a recent lecture here, told of a dear old man he ouce knew here who made frequent trips down state. He attalued the ripe age of slxty-elght years, twenty-four of which were spent in walting for connections at Richland Junction, Watertown’s climate spells Diversity. ‘This winter some wandering Esquimaux found the shreds of Andre and a patch of his balloon under tue drifts at the poor farm. ‘Our summers are different, To tHlustrate : A soul, which had passed in August, stood tn the Behorned Presence, Say, Sate," he murmured gratefally, “how mach cooler and comfortabler Its here than on Public Square!” and he reached tentatively for the tassel of the Satanic Tall to wipe away his happy tears, “Cool!” roared Jils Hornlets, whisking his tassel away, while his cohorts stood agape. “Where on earth be you from?” * Watertown,” siniled the soul, blowing on his cnilled flagers. Mrs, Bug: THRKR'S THAT INFERNAL COW ON OUR LAWN AGAIN, DON'T KEEP THEIR ANIMALS TIED Satan sat despairing. “Ab, 1 might hav® known,"he muttered hoarsely. Then a Satanic smile seamed his face. Ie leered triumphantly. “You'll spend your winters here. It's the best we can do, but, by my hoofs, you shall go back to Watertown summers !** And the spirit, shrieking, was dragged out while Satan laughed. (PyShaw-Nit. SCHENECTADY, Thrifty Schenectady ! whose houschoiders pltt- leasly ejected the dog and cat from thelr lars ‘that they might let the same at exorbitant prices as rooms, Patient Schenectady ! across whose principal street swift western expresses caromed merrily, filing the air with the limbs and other addenda of your Incantlous guests, or endless freight trains stood while the eugineers took thelr vaca- tlons, Enterprising Schenectady ! whose languid newsboys, late In the afternoon, sold the New York morning papers; whose local press then copled the news and publlshed tt the next morn- ing, astounding the staid villagers with the resources of advanced journalism Gay Schenectady! in whose chilly theatre a IT'S A WONDER PEOPLE half-dozen one-night Thesptans giared bungrily at an equal number of deadheads composing the “ house,” and the box-office manager fell on the neck of the chance pay-patron with tears, Fashtonable Schenectady ! whose girls derived thetr styles from Laura Jean Libbey and the Dally Hint from Paris, Prudent Schenectady | who withdrew the water from your canal, that the despondent might not drown himself therein and compel you to blast a hole tn your inhospitable cemetery for the accom- modation of his remains, Conservative Schenectady, I wonder if you have {mproved; you must have, if you have changed at all, Remus Todt, Following Instructions. «*\VJOUNG SAMMIE SPENDER is carrying out his governor's wishes faithfully, isn't he ?” ‘* How’s that?” “ Why, the old gentleman left instruc- tions in his will that after his death -his dust was to be scattered to the winds.” By John Drew. E had lost his life in the great Johns- town flood, He was dead, but the appalling scenes and incidents of that terrible event were still the only things on which he could fix his thoughts. As he entered the pearly gates of the spirit world he was so full of his subject that he felt he must talk of it, He approached an aged man and told him the story of how he died and gave him a vivid word picture of the scenes of devastation in connection with the flood. It was a lurid tale, but, to the Jolnstown man’s surprise, his auditor showed little interest in it—in fact, he seemed rather bo:ed. The flood victim told the next man he accosted of the old man’s indifference to his story. ‘That's not strange,” said the second man, ‘Do you know who that was?” “IT donot,” replied the Pennsylvanian, “lve only just arrived.” “Ob,” said the other, ‘that accounts for it. You were talking to Noah.”