Life — March 22, 1900 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

The Modern Thermopyle. ‘A BRAVE AND BOLD BALLADE OF TEN TO ONE, OME, gentles all! and shout your the cables say! ‘ Tho flax that con- quored Bunker Hill Has won again to-day. Once more a rabblo rout of churis, An ill-trained farmer horde, Have met our knights and sons of curls And pupils of tho sword. Aye, let the gallant talo be told, In batlade that endures, How fifty thousand Britons bold whip Boors, Did four thousand Majuba Hill is now forgot, Forgot its petty shame, That damned spot our heroes blot In Paardebergan fame. Wy / by Wy For then we fought as man to lh Wy man,— Wee Each Briton was alone,— plan Of fighting ten to one. Tuo Lord who dotes on Eng- lishmen And shields thoir blood and bone, Informed tho thews of every ten With all the strength of one, _ Thon, gontles all! your thanks In ballade that endures,— fay once we whipped a thou- sand Yanks, And now, four Boers, Pour out thousand And mention, too, the Persian who Did storm the bloody pass; And smote another rabble crew, Led by Leonidas, Wm, 8, Walsh, 7” Wi if «PIs The Partisans. “ H ELLO, my boy,” cried Haddock, cheerily, as he stepped into the grocery store, ‘‘ what are you out and getting so bright and early this morn- ing?” “Hello, old man, how are you?” responded Juddock, cordially, “I'm getting some nutty-uut, the Bnest break- fast food made.” *Pshaw. Why don't you use grainy- grain?” asked Haddock. ‘ Nutty-nut’s not in it with it.” ‘Nonsense, old chap,” replied Jud- dock, carnestly. ‘There is only one breakfast food, and that is nutty-nut.” “Pooh, pooh, my dear fellow, eat grainy-grain, if you want the ideal Hy; al 225 despepsia averter,” advised Haddock, positively. “Grainy-grain?” sneered Juddock. “No, thank you, J don't intend to poison myself and family. J prefer something that is fit food for human beings, like nutty-nut.” “Only a willful ignoramus, without knowledge or regard for the laws of health, would put such an indigestible, tasteless, unwholesome, poulticy mass as nutty-nut into his stomach,” asseverated Haddock, heatedly. “Only an infatuated idiot would persist in ruining his digestion with such a disgusting, sickening, abhorrent, glucy mess as grainy-grain,” retorted Juddock, hotly “ Nutty -nut’s nauseating poison Haddock, fiercely. “Grainy-grain’s a revolting abomina- tion,” howled Juddock, frantically. ** Take some of your loathsome nulty- nut, you besotted fool,” yelled Haddock, grabbing a package of it from a pile on the counter and flinging it at the other. “Go fill your crop with your gagging chicken feed, you obstinate ass,” roared Juddock, seizing in bis turn a package of grainy-grain and hurling it at the other. ‘The next minute the air was filled with flying packages of the rival breakfast foods, mingled with angry crics of “Nutty-nut!” and ‘ Grainy - grain!” together with objurgations and vilifica- tions. Nor was it until the stock of ammunition and the combatants were completely exhausted that the grocer dared venture within the zone of hostili- ties and attempt to separate the frenzied champions, At last, however, they were per- suaded to depart, each firmly clutching a bundle of his favorite and vowing that the other was a misguided mono-* maniac to prefer the rival breakfast food. “Humpb!" observed the grocer, as he charged several tons of the breakfast foods up to each of the late warriors. *Iv’sdurned funny how every crank swears by his particular mess, when buckwheat cakes un’ sa’sage is the only break- fast fit fer a man.” Aliz, Ricketts. rank poison, and a at that,” shouted “YES, HANSEL, YOUR POOR, DEAR MOTHER PRESERVES TER GRACEFUL FIGURE, EVEN IN DRATIID comicbooks.com