Life — December 21, 1899 — page 8: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

532 Reflections of an Ex-Bachelor. HEN in the ordinary transaction of my oficial business I placed the Spanish fleet and crew at Manila on the retired list, I supposed I was doing my duty; when for a year I kept the Filipinos in good humor and tho Spaniards where they could do the loast harm, Iwas still following the tradi- tions of the Navy and the Republic and attending to business, I was told my countrymen wero crazy about me; but gavo the matter little attention, as my respected country ten are crazy about some one,or something, pretty much all the time, I kopt track of the current literature of my native land and noted the rise, garrulity, decline and fall of a series of heroes, I realized that the pen was mightier than the sword, I shuddered at tho thought of my bome-coming; yet I was weary of the heat and homesick for the pio belt, I was sorry for Sampson and Schley. I wondered at Hobson, Poor lad! Kissed to death, Bweet are the uses of adversity and adver- tising. I went home slowly, threatened with death from overfeeding and indigestion, Tho advertising in the magazines mado mo turn cold; my name was on everything from cigarettes to underwear; I was a brand on tin cans, a label on eiur boxes, a name for dime museums, a style in bats, a title for pants, a horror to myself, a night- mare to the world, I realized that I was a hero in spite of myself, and that atrocious outrages on my * (EFA portrait adorned bill boards, tobacco ads., patent medicine puffs, and dog biscuit. * e ARRIVED in New York and was saluted, processioned, paraded, dined, cheered, F | hand-shaken, loving-cupped, arched, mobbed, yelled at and reduced to nervous prostration; but I escaped being kissed and asked my views on America, In Washing- ton Iwas dined, paraded, brass banded, sworded, and woril out; and on my native heath in Vermont my staid neighbors were as bad as the rest, Republics are said to be ungrateful; they are simply hysterical; and should be locked up about twico a century, Republicans are not ungrateful either; they aro extravazant and act like men with Jags. They gave mea house I did not want; and offered mo tho Presi- dency I would not take, At last I got what I did want— & wify and quiet—for the terms are not necessarily contradictory. . . . fTHEN my troubles be- with precedent, I gave tho home to my wife, and im- mediately every man who failed to subscribe howled at mo; the yellow press threw swill at me; I was CHRISTMAS MORNING. told Iwas no good; tho Spanish fleet In Manila becamo a tin fleot, and I was called atin hero, The American public waved its cars violently and stormed about the bouse that jag built, for tho hysterical fervor that built the house, and would take no denial, was a patriotic jag. It appears Tam pardoned and warned nover to do it again; and the yellow editor has warned me that he will keep his yellow eye on me. In time, perhaps, it will be forgotten that I ever rendered the country any service, and then I may be permitted to enjoy the peace and comfort of home in common with my fellow-citizons. Philosophers have taught us never to look a gift horse in the mouth; experience such as mino will teuch future generations of heroes never to look at a gifted ass with a mouth, a house, or a presidential nomination, Old man Vanderbilt knew his countrymen when he said, “The public be d—d.” Joseph Smith. Sport for All. HE English, in their comic papers, have been having lots of fun with the Boers, And the Boers, V1 ULL MANDLE THAT FELLOW WITHOUT GLOVES. in the Transvaal, have been having some fua with the bo! 1 TRIgD IT, Eng comicbooks.com