Life — July 14, 1898 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

ie i og impressive deliberation, If asked the hour, he will wrinklo his brow, purse his lips, point his finger at you thoughtfully and wave you into a side street, where, in slow, impressive tones, he will advise you that it is 4.15.31, Then, gazing at you with reproach in his thoughtful eyes, he will say that he missed you from church last Sunday, and abandon you there with the feeling that, somehow, you have fractured the Decalogue. . . * HE Solemn Ass isa fine figure at teas, readings, recop- tions, meetings to denounce outrages in Asia, and church sociables, Ho obtains a point of vantage near the refreshments, one hand behind his back, the other gently swinging his eyeglasses, He is as vivacious and picturesque as a bonded warehouse; yet, when sur- rounded by a group of those who worship bim as a brooding Buddha, he may tap the founts of his aus- tore wisdom and sparkle of the weather, his ailments, and the price of real estate. * The Solemn Ass of the law shrinks from the great light that beats upon the eagles of the bar; he is the owl that secks the musty obscurity of respectable chambers, Heshines most resplendent as the execu- tor of wills, the trustee of small estates, the admin- istrator of minor trusts, the guardian of widows and orphans, These are good bones to pick; these are duties that do not induce cerebral exhaustion. Let the eagles fight for bulls and bears; the owl, pious bird of prey, is content with small meat—sweet, sure, select, He plucks his pigeons any single bird so nude as to cause unkind comment. . . . HE Solemn Ass of medicine avoids surgery and acute practice; he makes a specialty of bypochondria and mental maladies, and fearlessly oncounter# those ills of bumanity that aro best soothed, subdued and corrected by POKER TERMS pathological Latin, bread pills, and the laying on of hands. = His voice is subdued and sympathetic; he is mastor of the sigh and head shake; his garb is black and respectful ; his horse and equipage fat, staid, solemn, In consultation ho “HOLDING UP A KICKER.” The Solemn Ass. 2 Wwenever tho Eng- lish language {8 spoken the Solemn Ass has his habitat; aod he is numerous to the verge of crowding in this Re- public. You can find bim in every business ‘and profession; and quite froquently you flnd his handsome long ears sup- plemented by the teeth, _ appetite and savoir faire of the hyena, He is gen- garded with awe by lesser humbugs; and his hide renders him superior and impervious to the flip- pant and irreverent who be- Kittle and traduce him. The Solemn Ass believes “= 2 thoroughly in the axiom, “Silence ts golden ;” he sees a Klondike in every deat and dumb asylum; when be speaks ho says nothing, and does it with TUE EFFECT OF FREAK CTOS— comicbooks.com