Life — June 9, 1898 — page 8: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

484 correspondent, who saw it sink under fire from Sampson's guns, Have it come up three times, with no one to save it. Have correspondent straddling biggest gun and typewriting his ao- count. Report accidental blowing up of Dewey's fleet Men Who Should Be Accepted for the War. USBANDS whose wives are suing for divorce. Young gentlemen who have been living beyond their means and need to retrench. Men to whom no other field of usefulness suggests itself. Men whose friends are tired of all their present stories, Expensive sons of in- ‘ digent cannot support them, Unmarried orphans. parents who MEN WIl0 S1fOULD NoT BE ACCEPTED FoR THE WAR, upporting sons nt parents, Husbands of more than one wife. Young men of doubt- ful capacity for. self- support who have just got a job. Keeley-cure graduates who have not been cured. Other bibulous persons not immune from the effects of alcohol. EVEN Terque Beatus. tho way tha ladstone now is ¢ 1 A—n say?— not to know! mortals go, To-Day. T is somewhat remarkable how fow of us appreciate the absolute se- curity Yesterday our house bu close coms panion died, we were misunder- y our dearest friend, the erop orrow a note falls due, we ent with a bore, wo must rain, there But nothing bap- is the narrow t from the stand, our thoughts both ways, When yesterday was * to-day, we had a sudden blow, an unex- pected shock, but we did not feel it then. To-day, looking backward, we suffer be- cause it happened yesterday, There should be a high board fence around to-day, Wo sce too much. will bo the pens to us to- spaco thats future, rates the and on which we “OLD GLoKY” JOINS IN THE POPULAR ENTHUSIASM. A Peep Behind the Scenes. HE following notes were picked up on the floor of a downtown café, just after a Yellow Lot editor had finished drinking bis lunch: HINTS FOR POSSIBLE EXTRAS, Assassinate Queen Regent of Spain for ton extras, piling up one detail to an ex- tra. Deny assassination for ten moro, with hints of a more bloody tragedy. saflirm assassination in last extra, Next day drop Queen Regent absolutely. Report suicide of Sagasta. Change it to Polo or Blanco in subsequent editions, Report total annihilation of whole island of Cuba, Publish exclusive account of our “LOOKS MICE, ULL TAKE A NIP, off Manila, but deny it in toto three edi- tions later. Report gift of $2,000,000 to the United States by Russell Sage. Report enlistment of entire staff of the Yellow Rot, Deny it immediately. Deny demolition of Cuba, Den: thing the Yellow Kot ever printed. Print patriotic edition of paper in explosive ink that will go off if read by a Spaniard. Have Cz knighthood on spondents. Print letter from Queen Victoria to the editor of the Yellow Kot, offering to go as nurse in the American cause. Have her say she bas been a constant reader of the Yellow Kot ever since the war began, and prefers it to the Bible. Report arrival of Weyler and im- mense flect off Coney Island, It wont be necessary to deny this, so print fac-ximile letter from Godkin to pro- prietor, referring to the present conflict as a most holy war, and make him regret that he hasn't more lives to give for his country, as he might give one of the other ones, Charles Battell Loomis, r of Russia confer order of our leading corre The Next Best Thing. (Two little boys ing in a fleld. A ferocious bull, Two little boys run, but sink exhausted just before fence is reached.) “you .”" says Willie,“ you pray.” J a n't pi gasps Johnny, “but I know how to say grace, ‘Ob, Lord, make us duly thankful for what we are about to receive! TUPIDITY scems to be necessary to perfect health, WOUD, AS LAM A CUIELSTIAN!