Life — April 2, 1898 — page 19: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

‘LIFE: 279 Some Letters of Introduction. FROM A FIANCEE. O ALL PLUTOCRATS UNMARRIED; Miss Sadie Sim- per, who carries this letter, is a young and beautiful girl to whom I have been engaged for the past year. er only reason for leaving me is my present lack of cash. She takes with hera diamond ring of the first water and a lifelong ri et She both reads and speaks table d’hote French, has a capacity of four pounds of candy in three hours, can repeat the name and present address of every actor and actress in the United States and foreign countries, screams readily when kissed beyond earshot, eats and drinks when spoken to, and has many other qualities too numerous to mention I can cordially recommend her to any man with an income of eight million dollars a year, Signed) Teppy Store! FROM A COOK To Wuow It May Coxcens: The bearer of this, Mrs, Jones von Jones, has been my employer for the last two weeks, aud I have found her in every respect satisfactory. She has an amiable disposition, is willing and obliging, is thoroughly familiar with housework in all its branches, keeps her piano in tune, pays any wages desired, and is hon- est and industrious, She rarely has any company, and stays in nights. My only reason for leaving her is on account of her sudden illness, due to overwork, and the presence of a trained nurse in the house. Teau recommend her in every way (Signed) Bripcet O'Moonmas FROM A FATHER. To att Loxps, Dukes, Eanis, axp Otnen Nostemes: This will introduce my daughter Daisy, who is taking a trip abroad with her mother while I stay at home and watch the stock market, As will be noticed at a glance, she is very beautiful, has a lovely disposition, and is inevery respect a pure, delightful, high-strung American girl, She will have a large fortune at my death, and beforehand terms will be made to suitall contracting parties. I write this at the earnest request of her mother, who desires to leave no stone unturned to advance our social position, (Signed) A. B. Kioxpyke PLS. See Brudatrcet's FROM A PATIENT. To ALL: The bearer of this, Dr. Slasbem Probe, bas been practicit in this town for several years past, and desires to settle iu a new locality where there is more opportunity for a man of social ambitions, I, as the sole survivor of a long race, can truthfully recommend him as a desir- able addition to any community where the quality of the population is more important than the quantity, He makes a specialty of surgery, and his collection of appendixes, many of them with uncut edges, is said to be one of the finest in the country. He is very fond of operations of all kinds, and prefers this treatment to the free use of water and open air. The people who have died under his knife have only themselves to blame, as in almost every instance it bas been because they squirmed at the wrong moment. He is a great lover of animals, and keeps a supply of dogs and rabbits constantly on hand, I would write more, but Lam suffering from an old wound. (Signed) A. Crutenes FROM ONE WHO KNOWS THE BEARER. To Tur Citizess or aNy Towy: The bearer of this uote, Mr. Anthony Comstock, is about to visit yon pl ure, being anxious to add to his already extremely large col- lection of pictures, books and statuary, Anything you can do to keep him with you for an indefinite length of time will be cordially appreciated. This is not intended as a general IF youse pox'r stor letter of introduction to your families, but only as a matter of MORSE'LE TINK I'M DOING THE SMACKING, AND THERE business. WILL BE A RUNAWAY!” (Signed) A New Yorker.