Life — December 4, 1897 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Heresy. HATE to say it, just because It sounds so mean and shocking, But Nature beats you, Santa Claus, At filling Madge’s stocking. J.T, O Connell. Meanest Ghost. LL the Ghosts had come in after their night's work and were gathered around the fire drying themselves prepara tory to their daily rest. One elderly Ghost, with powdered hair and knee-breeches, who had emigrated to America with an Eng- lish family that had been obliged to sell its ancestral mansion, was trying to rub the rheumatism out of his silk-stockinged legs, A Spanish Ghost, whose walk was down somewhere in Florida, was complaining about the malaria which infests American graveyards. A jolly-looking Ghost was standing in front of the fire with his hands behind bis back, and telling an amusing ancedote about the terror of an Irish policeman whom he had met ina street newly opened through ‘LIFE: an old cemetery up in Harlem, The lady with the cut throat, whose Ik was in a Hester Street tenement, made ber usual fruitless attempt to break into the talk, but her gasping efforts were lost in the laugh- ter provoked by the story and the general hum of conversation which followed it. “What's the matter with Joe?” asked the Ghost of the Portuguese murderer, who happened to be the last comer, “He seems to be even gloomier than usual.” All eyeless sockets were turned in the di- rection of a slender young Ghost who sat brooding in the furthest corner. His emaciated features were decorated with a pair of Y. M. C, A. whiskers, and his cling- ing cerements clung even closer than usual tohisshrunken form, He became conscious of the attention directed toward him, and pulled his remains together with a graceful tremor which brought forth a look of admiration from every Ghost present. “Tam sorry, ladies and gentlemen,” said the young Ghost, in a tone which would have brought tears and amens from the at- tendants at any Wednesday evening prayer- meeting, “but I have violated the by-laws of the Amalgamated Union of Eight-hour Ghosts. I am ready to make confession and receive whatsoever punishment you may inflict.” “Hyar! Hyar!” groaned the English Ghost. “It was this way,” continued the young Ghost. ‘As you all know, I have a brother Bill who is in the real estate business in Jersey Ci T have appeared to him at his house several times and have enjoyed my talks with him, One night he told me that he would rather have me appear to him at THE LANDING OF THE PILGRIMS 487 his office, because that was only rented, and he owned the house and didn’t care to have its value impaired; besides, he argued, his wife was inclined to be nervous, and he was afraid, if she happened to run across me, she might get frightened and insist on her mother coming to live with them, In an evil moment [ agreed to appear to him only in his office.” Here the young Ghost sighed and moist- ened the places where his lips used to be. “Tn his office Bill is a very different per- son from what he is at home. He is there for business only, and it was through] his business instincts that I was led into temp- tation, As you know, our By-law XVII, prohibits any Union Ghost from using his prerogatives for his own benefit, But one evening when I appeared to Bill in his office he began to talk about the good old times when we were boys together, and how he used to lie for me to father when I ran away from school to go swimming. Finally he succeeded in getting me into a very soft frame of mind. Then he talked to me about how hard it was to make money in these hard times. He admitted that he hadn't done quite the right thing in collecting my life insurance and then marking my grave with nothing better than a marbleized slate headstone, but said that if he ever got casy in money matters he intended to put on the lot a granite shaft with a white marble angel on top. You'll agree with me, ladies and gentlemen, this was a tempting suggestion, was it not?” The Ghosts answered with a chorus of hollow yeses. “Then he told me of a boarding-house on a piece of land which was very valuable comicbooks.com