Life — May 20, 1897 — page 16: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE THREE AGES OF MAN. 1 He swore that for true love he'd marry; In a cottage he'd much rather tarry, With his love by his side, ‘Than take for his bride A girl who had millions to carry. He was twenty, IL, Years passed; he was thirty and single; In society's gay whirl he'd mingle. He had loved half a score; He was loving once more. Alass? No. Her coins’ golden jingle. He was thirty ML. A bachelor still, the old sinner Met a maiden and tried hard to win her, Not because she was fair Or had money to spare, But—because she could order a dinner. He was forty. —What to Eat. AN amusing conversation was held through the tele- phone, some time ago, between a correspondent of the New York World and the Rev. Dr. Newman Smyth, of New Haven. The reporter wanted a fifty-word inter- view on '* Hell” for the Sunday edition of his paper. He wanted it bright and terse, and he got it, “Hell, in my opinion,” said Dr. Smyth, ‘tis the place where the Sunday edition of that paper should be published and circulated."— Unidentified Exchange. A SEISSORS AT NvLLv “ MeRctFUt. heavens, Major Skadgers, your daugh- ter bas just been carried off by an Indian!" Thus spake Frederick Dressup, a young lieutenant in Major Skadgers's division of United States cavalry stationed at Fort Pill, I. T. “Not Birdie?" exclaimed Major Skadgers, spring- ing to his feet. ** Who was the Indian?’ “Speckled Lightaiog, chief of the Kiowas.”” “Heaven help us, I fear there is no hope. Speckled Lightning, of all the chiefs!_ He was the most peace- able and friendly Indian in the reserve.” “We may be able to overtake them in time, Lieutenant Dressup. “We must,” said the major. “If we do not it means a long and bloody war with the Kiowas. Call Pigeon-toed Pete, the scout, and have fifty men ready to start upon the trail in half an hour.” Thirty minutes later the band of determined cav- alrymen, with Major Skadgers and Pigeon-toed Pete at their head, set out from the fort. Pigeon-toed Pete went afoot with the rapidity and certainty of a sleuth- hound, closely scanning the trail of the Indian. At sundown they came in sight of a white tepee from which rose a thin column of smoke. “They are there,” said Pigeon-toed Pete; work ts done.” “Pray Heaven we are in time!” hoarsely muttered Lieutenant Dressup; “but, see, some one raises the tent flap.” Suddenly Major Skadgers cried, '* We are too late!” and fell senseless from his horse. said omy Pigeon-toed Pete looked and saw Birdie Skadg a beautiful woman thirty-seven years of age, emerge from the Indian tepee. “ Too late!" said Pigeon-toed Pete. “I knew ve would be. Nothing could have saved him.” In her hand Birdie Skadgers held the Speckled Lightning, chief of the Kiowas, — Detroit Free Press calp A VeRY ignorant but well-to-do citizen from backwoods was elected coroner of asmali count; few days after his election he amazed the orditay by asking that functionary to point out his duties fe said the ordinary, ‘when a man dros npanel a jury and sit on him, ax then render averdict."" “ That's just what I done tw hours ago,” said the coroner, ‘an’ the ci kickin’! “ Kickin’ about what?" “The man sot on." Well?" “Well, you see, bit way. He drapped by the railroad thar, out, ‘Boys, I'm dead!" “Well?” Twy in three feet of him, an’ as he hollered them words jumped him.” “Jumped him?" ‘1 mean I sot him—just like the coroners air required by 1s weigh right smart, he kep’ purty quiet after | “But he was dead before you reached him, wast he?" That's whar the question comes in! Ain one thing erbout it that's shore and certain, an'the is—he wuz dead when I got up!" —Allaata Constitution mite, you simply petigaal News Coan Bream’s Tendon, h C., England, AoueTs, Yor sale by all Newsdealers tn Great Britain. The Inter. Building, Chancery Lane, Paris; Saarbach’s News EvRoreay AGENrs—Mesara. Brentano, $7 Avenue de I'Oper 1 Clarnes toy Germoy, agente for Germany, Aurtria and Switeerland: Secure the highest class of trade; The shoppers who are shrewd and wise Select such stores to patronize ; And stores and shoppers all attest ae Ivory Soap is far the best. Copyright 1800, by The Proctr & Gamtis Ca, Cia", Perfect Taste is evinced by the use of the very finest writing paper, of delicate and artistic finish. Persons of perfect taste will accept no substitute for ‘Whiting’s Papers IBOER Patronize American Industries —wear KNOX HATS. Sold by New York ss ther may, bring Fou wealth, Philadelphia RN & CO. 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