Life — December 17, 1896 — page 8: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

> LIFE: AT LAST. HE Long-suffering Man was trying to read, when, with a crash and a roar, the train left the track. Down, down, down it went. The seat in which The Long-suffering Man sat, shut up like a jack-knife and caught him in its tenacious embrace; a seat across the aisle rose up and smote him in the side. The steam-pipes hissed, and coiled themselves lovingly about his knees. Two valises flung themselves upon his breast, and the water-cooler slid up and jabbed him in the back. Then all was silent. The Long-suffering Man tried to move. One foot, then the other, was found firmly imbedded in the débris; his arms were pin- ioned by the wreckage. It was dark, and warm, and still. The Long-suffering Man nestled his cheek down on the cool surface of a plate-glass mirror and heaved a sigh of relief. ‘At last,” he murmured, ‘‘at last those two cranks behind me have stopped talking golf.” And a blessed silence reigned. rea ees M, /. NO ROOM FOR DOUBT. UMSO: Do you think that the Indians are really capa- ble of civilization? CaWKER: How can you doubt it, when you consider what a stiff game of football they can put up? A DEFINITION OF CHRISTMAS. Se ae TEACHER: Johnny, what x does Christmas mean? Jounny: My pa says Christmas means swapping a lot o’ things you can’t afford, for a lot o’ things you don't want. —.- I" is rumored that the rolling stock of the New York Central system is to be newly equipped with breaks recently made by Chauncey Depew. “SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER.” viewed this shameless thing than patronized the Living Pictures, for the outrage is free, and well advertised in the churches. Crowds gaze on the copper nymph, speechless with horror, and have to be led away from the awful sight by relays of weeping policemen. ‘The passionate parson calls treason from his pulpit; the Y. W. C. U. quivers with indignation; and Brother Brady, just arrived from Ulster, calls in no uncertain megaphone for the Governor's glit- tering colonels to unsheathe their stainless blades and drive Bac- chante, boy and grapes, to Moon Island. Public indignation is spreading; excursions at reduced rates from the rural districts are in- vading Boston to see th.s wanton before it is clothed; and conscien- tious Sunday School superintendents rush to town to see it, that they may join the chorus of denunciation, The excitement grows apace the militia are under arms; a supplementary Thanksgiving procl. mation has been issued by the Governor, warning McKim and Mac- monnies off the sacred soil of Boston ; and unlessthe copper thing of shame consults a modiste or gets a coat of paint, blood will flow in the subway, the guillotine be set up on the Common, and Lynch law be administered at the People’s Church. The offer of Harvard College to contribute a soiled and di: carded pair of football bloomers for the Bacchante may calm the excited populace; but something must be done soon, if the Puritan Commoawealth Is to endure: + “HERE'S TO THE FRAGRANT ANISB-SEED BAG: MAY ITS Joseph Smith, SHADOW NEVER GROW LESS, ya THE END OF THE HUNTING SEASON. comicbooks.com