Life — March 28, 1895 — page 8: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“BUY THE IDIOT BRAND.” ACKNOWLEDGMENTS TO JOHN KENDRICK BANGS, AUTHOR OF “Corree AND REPARTEE,” “THE IDt0T,”: ETC. going to start a great Consolidated American Humor Factory,” said the Idiot as he caromed on a buckwheat cake and hit the sausage square. This off-hand remark immediately gained the attention of Mrs. Pedagog’s breakfast table. “Who are we," asked the Bibliomaniac with his usual undercurrent of skepticism. “ Bangs and I," said the Idiot as he pocketed buckwheat cake No. 1, and drew No. 2 into fine position. “What Bangs? John Kendrick Bangs, the humorist ?" asked the Poet, in wide- eyed astonishment.‘ Do you know a real live author ?” “The same,” said the Idiot, playing for position on the left rail of his plate, “Bangs and I are bosom friends, You must understand that John Kendrick Bangs who writes for the great magazines, J. K. Bangs of the Sunday papers, Carlyle Smith of the comic weeklies, J. Kendrick Bangs of the Yonkers Citizen, and John K, Bangs the politician, are one and the same individual. I am the bosom friend of the whole aggregation.” “The aggregation must be shy of bosom friends when it takes you,” sniffed Mr. Pedagog. “Wrong again as usual, Mr. Pedagog,” chirped the Idiot as he reached for the maple syrup and dug the old gentleman in the ribs. ‘I'm a very profitable friend and Bangs knows a good thing when he sees it. That's why I am in on the ground floor of the Consolidated American Humor Factory. Great idea, great head, great man!” “ Doubt it,” grunted the School-Master. large for your ideas." “But you must notice, my charitable friend, that I am gradually growing up to my adjectives,” insinuatingly said the Idiot. “Another great idea of mine—start with big adjectives and try hard to live up to them. Before you know it you're a big man. See!” . “That has nothing to do with the Factory. impatiently. + Same general line of thought, Mr. Brief," replied the Idiot.“ Bangs is nothing if not original. He said to himself one day, * Here are Davis, Gibson, Robert Russell and a lot of fellows I know traveling all over the world for literary and artistic exper- iences—Material_ they call it. What's the matter with manufac turing experiences right here at home for half the cost ! I believe in encouragi: home industries.” he de- cided to blow in some money and run for Mayor of Yonkers. That town narrowly missed having a dandy Mayor, but Bangs got his money's worth of experience—and the result was ‘Three Weeks in Politics," one of his most successful books.” “But what about the Factory ?" asked * Your adjectives are always ten sizes too Tell us about it,” said Mr. Brief THIS DOG Is NAMED ‘* MARCH,” BECAUSE WH COMES IN ME IS LIKE A LION, BUT WHEN HE GOE: ME IS LIKE A Lama, . THE GROWTH OF GREATNESS. Tommy REED, INSTANTANEOUS PHOTOGRAPH TAKES vill. the indignant boarders in chorus, looking at the dining- room clock. “I've just given you the germinal idea,” said the Idiot. “Says Bangs to me— Idiot, old boy, we'll go right ahead manufacturing humorous experiences on a large scale. I'll build a magnificent villa on the banks of the Hudson, not far from my home. It shall be divided into about fifty suites of comfortable apartments, with good table-board, plenty of out-door sports, and everything to keep the guests in good humor. I'll invite up for long visits a choice assortment of mothers-in-law, bad boys, Irish comedians, Yankee farmers, summer girls, brake- men, bunco steerers, and all the other indispensable char- acters for American humor, Then I'll just come over for an hour or two every day and visit with them—and my books will write themselves. And you shall have a ground-floor suite, Mr. Idiot, and manage the whole show. Are you with me?’ ‘I'm yours for life, Mr. Bangs,’ said I, No humor from this Factory genuine unless countersigned by me. Buy the /diot Brand! “And so, Mrs, Pedagog,” said the Idiot turning to the head of the table, “I give you notice that I must quit your hospitable board. But I'll invite you all up to stay awhile at the Factory. Bangs needs you in his business. Ta, ta!” Droch. IGN in front of clothing store in Texas town : “ Owing to the low price of cotton, all wool suits marked down to $7.98." comicbooks.com