Life — February 7, 1895 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

St. Louis has the prize Dogberry of the nineteenth century. This blue-coated ard brass-buttoned custodian of the Jaw overhauled a sleep-walker the other mght who was =promenading the sidewalk in the uniform not exactly appropriate to this late season of the year. He was dressed in his night robes only. The officer arrested him, aroused him from his slumber, escorted him to his home, made him dress and then took’ him down to the station-house to lock him up. “Surely you are not going to lock me up ?" exclaimed the sleep-walker. “Of course Lam,” said the officer. | “Why, [can't be held responsible for the predicament you found me in. I ama | somnambulist.” j “LT don't givead—n what church you are a member of,” said the officer. ** You can’t walk the streets of St. Louis in your shirt tail if you belong to all the churches in the city."—Mempais Commercial-Appeal. THe Rev. Philip D. Schaff, who about thirty years ago was preaching in Mercersburg, Pa., up to that time had never been married, nor had he kept house. By the charms of | lone'of the sisters of his flock he was persuaded to do the former, and, as a matter of | ‘course, the latter followed. He and his wife had not been long domiciled when the perplexing question arose how to get rid of the kitchen refuse. ‘The doctor was advised by a neighbor to buy a small pig, and the advice was accom- panied by an offer to sell him one. Accordingly the pig was purchased, and immediately another problem came up to be solved, viz: how to get a pen for it. Casting about, the Doctor discovered a large dry goods box in which some of his household effects had been received, He set to work with saw and hammer, and with pieces of boards from the box he soon'constructed a pen, which was only a little larger than the pig itself. In a few weeks the pig grew so that it hardly had 100m to tum around, and another difficult question had to be setiled, The Doctor studied over this matter several days; meanwhile the pig was hourly getting larger. He finally decided to go over to the neighbor from whom it was purchased, and ask if he would be kind enough to exchange evenly and give him another small pig for the large one that had outgrown its pen. The good Doctor used to tell in all seriousness, how kind his neighbor was to give him a small pig for bis large one without charging any difference. — Cosmoolitan. LIFE THe tall girl mused aloud : knees at my feet 2” ‘The short girl laughed a hollow, wan little laugh, with a dash of bitters in it. “Suppose,” said the short girl, “you drop a dime on the floor."—Cincinnati Tribune, “What,” said she, ‘can I do to bring the Count to his. THE proprietor of the only hotel in the village was also the undertaker. The guests were gathered around the table one day, and the solemn man looked up, sighed heavily, and then let his gaze fall on his plate. **I see,” he said, in measured tones, “that there has been another funeral.” Every one looked up inquiringly. “How do you know 2” asked the brisk little widow. “+ Because,” and the solemn man sighed again, ‘there are flowers on the table and ice on the butter. Hotel Reporter. “One of the advantages of college life,” soliloquized Reuben Wayback, ‘98, a! pulled himself out of the rush on the campus, ‘is that you meet so many peopl Wrinkle, One night at acourt ballin the Tulleries Napoleon III. was so attentive to a beautiful young woman as to excite comment among the other women. At last, in response to a direct tribute to her beauty, she said : “Ah, but Your Majesty compliments me too much." “How remarkable,” he replied, with a twinkle in hiseye, “that you should say just what every other woman here is thinking." —Detroit Free Press. “\Anp how is my old friend, the Colonel, spending his declining years ?” asked the gentleman who bad been North for a long time. ** Beautifully, sah, beautifully, “He has a fine farm, sab. And a string of trotters, sah. And a barrel of whisky sixteen years old, and a’ wife of the same age, sah. Cincinnati Tribune. Litrir Boy: Mamma, what is a hermit ? Mamata: A man who goes way off and lives by himself. ** Doesn't he ever have any one to talk to?” “‘T guess womans is never hermits, is they ?"—Good News. A WEALTHY old lady, one bitter cold morning, said to her servant: ‘* James, it has been a very cold night, and 1am afraid poor Widow Green is suffering. Take her a wheelbarrow load of wood. But James before you go, make up this fire and put more wood on. Then give me a nice mug of flip.” James obeyed and was about to start on his errand, when his mistress interposed : ‘Stop, James, you need not go now ; the weather has moderated."—Witly Sayings. For sale by alt Newsdealere ta Qevat Britain. The Tater national News’ Company, Tiream's Bullding, Chancery Lane, Tondon, EC, Engiand, Aoxsre. id EUROPEAN AGENTS—Mesern, Brentano, 37 Avenue de POpera, Paris; Saarbach's News Exchange, 1 ‘Ciarnstrame, Mayence, Germany, Ageats for Uermaiy, Avila and Switscriand. GRAND AND UPKIGHT PIANOS containing their improved method of stringing, Delightful for Bath and Shampoo. PACKER’S TAR SOAP Cleanse: quickly, and leaves the skin ex- quisitely clean, sweet and smooth. * Excellent for chaj ski A lasury for shampooing. any other pianct made. THE CELEBRATED LiszT CHURCH ORGAN for Parlors and Churches, is the most perfect in- strument of its class, Illustrated Catalogue free. 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