Life — January 31, 1895 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

‘LIFE: FAT SEAGORS AT WLS PROFESSOR BLANK, although a very dignified and courtly geatleman, has fits of absentmindedness amounting almost to mental aberration. This tailing has’ placed him in many embarrassing positions. It seemed to the professor and his family that the climax had been reached one evening when the professor, after filling his bath-tub for a bath, plunged in with all of his clothes on! But a deeper, because public, mortification soon followed this alarming mental lapse. The Professor sometimes speaks in public, and a few days after the bathroom episode he was asked to be one of three or four speakers at a public meeting. His brief address was received with great applause, which to the Professor's surprise and chagrin, was followed by broad grins, and even unrepressed tittering on the part of many in the audience. No sooner was the Professor out of the house alter the meeting than he turned to his wife and asked: ‘* My dear, what was the occasion of all that smiling and actual giggling after the generous applause that followed my address ?”” ** Don't you know ?” asked his wife, a little sharply. ‘* I never felt so mortified in my life. Why don’t you keep your wits about you when you are in public? It was dreadful !" “Why, Helen, what did I do?” ‘Do?’ You sat up there on that platform before all that great audience and applauded your own speech! That's what you did !"—Harper’s Magazine. MR. James HYDE, once a lawyer in a small town on Long Island, tells a story about himself," He says : “Tt was when I used to practice law in a little town near the center of the State. A farmer had one of his neighbors arrested for stealing ducks and I was employed by the accused to endeavor to convince the court that such was not the case. The plaintiff was positive that his neighbor was guilty because he had seen the ducks in the defendant's yard. How do you know they were your ducks ?’ I asked. “+ Oh, [should know my own ducks anywhere !' replied the farmer ; and he gave a description of their various peculiarities whereby he could readily distinguish them from others, “+ Why,’ said I, ‘ those ducks can't be of such rare breed ! like them in my own yard." ** That's not at all unlikely,’ replied the farmer, ‘for they are not the only ducks I have had stolen lately,'"—/ndianapolis Sentinel. Thave seen some just Ata recent gathering of notable men, the after-dinner chat turned upon personally experiences, and a distinguished jurist related this : ‘After graduation, he migrated to a Western town; months of idleness, with no rospect of improvement, induced him to seek a new home. Without money to pay his |! fare, he boarded a train for Nashville, intending to seek employment as reporter on one of the daily newspapers. When the conductor called for his ticket he said : “Tam on the staff of the . of Nashville ; I suppose you will pass me?” ‘The conductor looked at him sharply. ! “The editor of that paper is in the smoker, come with me; if he identifies you, all right.” ig lie followed the conductor into the smoker ; the situation wasexplained ; Mr. Editor said : “Oh, yes, I recognize him as one of the staff; it is all right.” Before leaving the train, the lawyer again sought the editor : “Why did you say you recognized me? _ I’m not on your paper.”” “Tam not the editor, either. I'm traveling on his pass, and was scared to death lest you should give me away."—Fashions. InpiGNanT CusToMER : other day ! Grocer : for, wasn't it? *; You charged me 4 cents for it, didn’t you?” “Yen” Say, look at this sheet of fly-paper you sold me the I'm looking at it. I see it's covered with flies, That's what you got it t two of ‘em 2” “ Very likely.” “* The other one is exactly like this one.” ” “Well, what are you kicking about ?”” ++ You see this is covered all over, don’t you ?” “Tse it is.” “There isn't room on it for another blamed fly ?” “*T su not.” “Well, when [ tried to pull ‘em off so I could set it again they wouldn't come off, ‘The other one's the same way. The game, I reckon, is to make a fellow keep on buying ‘em, I'm not going to do it, and I think it's a darned swindle, and you cantake your own fly-paper back again, and'I'll never buy another cent’s worth of goods at this store, so help me Nebuchadnezzar !"— Chicago Tribune. Youxo Lapy: What is the price of that bicycle costume ? DEALER: That is nota bicycle costume, miss; it’s a suit of sanitary underwear. —New York Weekly. For, mle by all Nevadealers in Great Dritaln. The Inter patioaal "News, Coropany. Treamn's Bullding, Chancery Lape, Toadon, B.C, Engiand, donsrs. id ~_ Bengren. Ager oes enn gh Aree 69 FOR ens Aner oe ess Aces “4m Germany, Agents for Germany, Austria and Switzerland. AYMOND’S VACATION EXCURSIONS. ALL TRAVELING EXPENSES INCLUDED. FLORIDA and CUBA. Tre, Geant Traces dasa eosin te All the popular brands of wines, liquors, malt waa a5 vern, liquors, &c.; very old and medium ages. Werth with sesieceed eatoat the H. B. KIRK & CO., 69 Fulton Street. de, Leon, the Tampa Bay Hutel, and the Also Broadway and 27th Street. No “OLD CROW RYE” is genuine unless the word FQ Y E is printed on the label and case, and our firm name is on the case, cork capsule and label. Many counterfeits are offered. Every barrel of rye whiskey made at this dis- tillery for the past 23 years has been sold and delivered to us. The ROBERT STEWART RYE is the best Eastern rye. . Train's “RESERVE STOCK" Glenlivet Scotch Whiskey, bottled in Glasgow ; very old and choice. Hotel Hotel Tampa on yr tte ‘the Plant Steamship Line, 0 Week fn Havens. Spectel Traine of Elegant Pullman Vestibule maui and Dising Care Will be employed for tne the Oliver ‘and spend {t the holders to proiong thetr aod to recur ‘The Ideal HOTEL: America fs the VENDOME: y Regul (ar Bend for descriptive book. Raymond & Whitcomb, 31 East Fourteenth St.. Lincon Bullding, Union Square, New York. 296 Washingtes Ot., Bostea. 20 Ssath 10th St, Phila. souievart, BOSTON westtr vo. C. H. Greentear & Co, softening, whitening and perfuming the complexion. Most efficacious for light affections of the. skin. LEWIS G. TEWKSBUR TAKE NO OTHER— Until you've tried WintiaMs'— —after that you'll be sure to TAKE NO OTHER. SOLD AT ALL DRUG STORES. CUMGURA ~F All you have guessed about life insurance may be wrong. If you wish to know the truth, send for “How and Why,” issued by the Pexx Mutat. Lire, o21-3-5 Chest nut Street, Philadelphia. Banker, 50 Broadway, New York, Buys and sells Bills of Exchange on all parts of the wo