Life — September 6, 1894 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

156 ‘LIFE: THE DUPLICITY OF DOCTORS. ¢€ QOME folks thinks them doctors don't know their business, but I guess them ez thinks so ain't never run up against ‘em none,” said Mr. Eli Webster to a few of his friends who were seated on spike kegs and piles of ox chains in the village blacksmith shop. Wal, I hearn them ez knows say the science of medicine ain't by no means an exact science; WHEN HIS OWN SYSTEM FAILED °° {0 speak of,” re- TO WORK. marked Deacon Hum- sted, who invariably differed with his friend and neighbor on every subject under the sun —a practice which had added considerable zest to his existence for over sixty years, “TE ain't talkin’ er- bout medicine ez a science, I'm a talkin’ erbout doctorsand thet branch of the prefes- shun'which ain't down in none of the books and is known ez ‘leg- said Eli firm- Doctors is like mechanics, Ef they git one job they'll allers make another fer them- selves outer it. If you take yer watch to be repaired jest once it'll be outer kilter an’ hev sumthin’ ther matter with it ez long ez it lasts. Same way with you when yer gits go- ing to ther doctor.” Deacon Humsted re- marked that some peo- ple were put together like cheap watches and no amount of patching and tinkering with their insides would ever take the crankiness out of them and make them go right. ZER BosH, THE DIs- TINGUISHED CHRISTIAN SClENCE HEALER, TAKES A LITTL! c ICE CREAM, LOBSTER, MILK AND CUCUMBERS BEFORE RETIRING. f Eh passed over the roar of laughter which, this hit provoked, and continued his tale of woe. “Last spring I was a feelin’ a little run down an’ outer sorts and Maria got it into her head thet I was ailin’ and must see the doctor. Nuthin’ would do her but thet, an’ when Maria's set, ye know—" “Thet the gray mare's the better hoss," observed the Deacon with a quiet chuckle. “1 warn't a talkin’ erbout no gray mares,” said Eli, who had mised the force of the allusion,“ This ain't a hoss story. But ez I was sayin’, I went to the doctor's, an’ he said my system was in a low con- dition and needed buildin’ up. What I wanted ter do was to take iron and eat beef-steaks three times a day. So I paid him ten shillin'’s and went away thinking I got off blame cheap, Wal thet stuff he gimme an’ the beef-steaks built me up immense. I gotto feelin’ like a yearling colt when all of a suddent [ begun to break out with boils all over Worst boils you ever see. I tuk sum tea made from white ash bark but it didn’t do me a mite er good.” . id you peel it up or down when you stripped it from the tree?” asked the Deacon shrewdly. “+ peeled it up ; er course I knowed thet was ther right way if you want it to do any good.” : “ Never knew it to fail if it was stripped upperds,” said the Deacon skeptically. : “It ain't no great shakes to find out sumthin’ you don't know," re- turned Eli, ** But ez I was sayin’, the bark warn't no good and I had ter go to the doctor's agin. “* Hum," sez he. ‘Your blood is too rich. You've been livin’ too high. Yer oughter hev left off eatin’ them steaks when the hot weather cum on, But Ill give yer sumthin’ ter cool off yer blood.’ So he gimme a perscription fer sum stuff thet cooled my blood off. Regular chilled it, so thet I took a bad cold and then cum down with pneumony. : “Wal, then I hed the doctor stidy fer four weeks and when I got better he said my circulation needed increasin’ so he gimme a few doses thet quickened it until it brought on palpitations of the heart. Then he gimme sum did-yer-tell-us fer my heart and thet knocked my stumach out and brought on powerful attacks of dyspepsy so thet | couldn't eat fried pork or nuthin’, “Wal, by this time, I begun to see through his game, an’ to see thet ez long ez I kept goin’ to him he was agoin’ ter give me one kinder sickness to cure another an’ keep himself in a stidy joball the time. So I just stopped eatin’ till my dysyepsy got better and then I quit doctors. “Now when I'm sick I take Goldberg’s tincture. There's over forty- seven ingredients into it, an’ no matter what ails yer sum one on ‘em is bound ter hit yer!" Harry Romaine. HE young man who kissed the girl on the forehead and gota bang in the mouth, retaliated by taking her to one of the roof gardens and blowing her off. of an Amer 1 the g Jinera of the Punc soper conte whic the ys Th Stat comicbooks.com