Life — December 31, 1891 — page 8: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

392 many, but he had learned from his genial and accomplished host (cheers and applause), that he would have no difficulty in pursuing the obser- vation of the subject, as he understood that The American Hog was to he found in all public places and especially in the public conveyances in this country. ‘Tue Host stated that he had no doubt that his guests had been as much edified as he had been by the instruct sentatives of foreign royalty, but he did not think that our own royal He was happy to state that there was present a young gentleman wh, by his retiring modesty, his con- spicuous good taste, and his reluctance to arrogate to himself any of the lustre shed on his family by his father’s good luck, had endeared him He would call upon Mr, Russell Harri- The Presidency as a Family Perquisite.” Mk. RUSSELL. HARRISON rose amid enthusiastic silence and said that his father was deeply engaged with the Republican leaders in trying to decide who should be appointed post- master at Jumpoff, Neb He had lifted most of the important respon- sibilities (rom father's shoulders, but this was a case in which, although the Blaine faction making strongly felt, he thought father was competent to act alone, and therefore he was able to attend at the present For himself he had always admired Lire (cheers) and he had no doubt the admization was mutual. He and father had shaped the policy of the administration on the lines sug- xested by LiFe and were only sorry there were not more relatives and connections of the Harrison family to place in lucrative offices. He and father had done their best, but the family records were a trifle imperfect with regard to the marriages of some distant cousins, and it was possi- -e remarks of the repre- family should go unheard. to the whole American peopl son to respond to the toast, was itself festivity. ble that one or two connections by marriage had been overlooked. Tie Host remarked that, having heard from American royalty, it He would call upon Mr. sstion, ** Who is the Most was next the turn of our nobility and gentry. Ward McAllister to speak to the important qu Prominent American Snob ?” Mk. MCALLISTER stated that a career of some years among the wealthiest society of New York had, perhaps, especially qualified him to speak on this question. Every time he attended an entertainment among his four hundred friends the idea was thrust upon his notice ; but not until he returned home and consulted his own mirror did he feel sure—if his listeners would pardon his apparent presumption—that he had found the correct solution to the question, Tue Host said that he would now have the pleasure of calling upon an eminent theological gentleman to speak on the subject of The Doc- trine of Election Considered Regard to the Future of Col, Robert G. Ingersoll.” PROFESSOR BRIGGS feared that in view of the ecclesiastical boycott with which he was threatened, if he expressed his real opinions on this t, he would meet even worse treatment from the meek and lowly Christians with whom he was associated in the business of saving souls. Bot with re entleman named he would state that he con- with subj sidered neither him nor the individual whose realms he had abolished as black as either of them had been painted. Tue Host was glad to announce that after much persuasion a certain eminent philanthropist of world-wide fame was present and would address a few remarks to the guests, He would call upon the Czar *-LIFE-: of Russia to speak to the question, ** The Best Way to Starve a Peasant.”* H. 1. M. the Czar, regretted his lack of ability as a public speaker. Heretofore his addresses had been made to select audiences of two or three who had been thoroughly searched before being admitted to his presence. There was one American whom he was most anxious to meet. He referred to his fellow-philanthropist, Mr. Russell Sage. He had no doubt that he and Mr. Sage would find mutual profit in an interchange . of views on the subject of high _ + explosives. With respect of the question the host had mentioned he feared that he was little competent to speak. Peasants and such persons were far below the contempla- tion of a ruler who was con- tinually vexed with the problem of how to maintain the largest standing army in the world, and yet keep the nation from going broke. ‘Tue Host rose to introduce a gentleman who was as noted for his piety as for his high standard of political morals. He had the pleasure of announcing that the Honorable John Wanamaker, better known to his guests, perhaps, as ‘Bethany Jack,” would speak on “The Bargain Counter Principle in Politics. THe PosTMASTER-GENERAL stated that his whole life had been governed by the teaching of the Scriptures. He had been especially ‘careful not to let his left hand know what his right hand was doing and tice versa. If he gave $100,000 to a. presidential campaign fund with his right hand, it was done in such a way that no previous knowledge would prevent his accepting a cabinet portfolio with his left. He thanked God that numerous little boys and girls were imbibing his kind of morality at the Bethany Sunday School. He would also call the attention of his hearers to the fact that at his emporium in Philadelphia, on the day after New Vear's, there would be displayed some extra choice bargains in Ral- briggan hose and half-hose, double thick toes and heels. Tue Host, alter thanking his friends for their presence at his Christmas dinner, and expressing the hope that they would often meet again under the same circumstances, stated that as a conclusion he would call upon Mr. John Lawrence Sullivan, to speak, to “The American Gentleman.’ MR. SULLIVAN regretted that he wasn't just in talkin’ trim. Him and some other gentlemen, he said, had been engaged for the last tree days in findin’ out who could drink the most ER fizz without gittin’ knocked out, and on that account he was a little bit hoarse in his troat. But all the same het'ought the chin he had heard to-night was out o' sight’ For himself he didn’t go in much for chin, but he was ready to meet any gentleman present in a twelve- foot ring and show him that an American gentleman was a gentleman all the way t'rough, whether it was four rounds or toa finish. And he was vours truly, John L, Sullivan. After placing THE Host on the table and singing “For He's a Jolly Good Fellow," the party separated, THE Host paid the bill, and Lire's Christmas dinner for 189t was a thing of the past. Mefcalfe. comicbooks.com