Life — April 17, 1890 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

‘LIFE: MYTHOLOGY FOR MODERNS. ULYSSES AND THE SIRENS. HEN U.ysses and his men returned from the siege of Troy, they encountered many dangers, but none which V came so near getting the whole crowd locked up over night as the temptations held out “by the Sirens, They successfully passed by Albany and the harpies which infest that neighborhood. But they yielded for a little while to the bundishments of Circe, a retired ballet-dancer, who had a country-house on oné of the Hudson River islands, It leaked out one day in conversation, that she had been an acquaintance of the great-great-grandfather of Ulysses, and from that on she took a genuine — aaa s interest in the grizzled warrior, and told him that vibe Pee as he continued his journey he must beware of the RS Doping AY Sirens. This was her plan to enable the band to escape this danger. Ulysses was first to plug the ears of all his men with wax, Then they, in turn, were to fasten him securely with ropes to the spinnaker boom, and under no circumstances were they to re- lease him until they had passed the home of the Sirens, At last, the little Meet came in sight of Coney Island, where the Sirens dwelt, and faint sounds of delicious music came creeping over the sea, It seemed a sort of cross between “Sweet Violets” and “Johnny, Get Your Gun," but before it could have any effect Ulysses ordered all hands on deck to have their ears waxed, and, this accomplished, allowed himself to be properly secured by the first mate. They came nearer the island, and Ulysses could distinctly hear a steam organ attached to a merry-zo-round playing ‘* White Wings.” If there was anything that made Ulysses homesick, it was ‘ White Wings!" Ithad been his favorite air before he went to the Trojan war, and he longed to go ashore and toy with the man who owned the organ. Finally he heard the voice of a Siren. “Yere y'are, now! Finest photygraphts on th’ Islan’! Take you and yer whole crew f'r only twen- ty-fivecents, Yere y‘are! Greates' chance in yer life!” Ulysses wanted to have his picture taken to send back to Circe, and was FINALLY HE HEARD THE VOICE OF A SIREN. greatly tempted to yield to the voice of the Siren, but he thought of the danger and controlled himself, Then another voice charmed his ears. “Nice, hot Frankfurters! Same's Mr, Vanderbilt an’ Mr. Astor eat every day. Hot and sizzling, now! Cooked while you wait! Only ten cents! Yere y'are, now!" This was almost too much for Ulysses. Not since he left Circe and her French cook had he tasted anything better than salt junk, duff, of scouse, and he longed for the sizzling Frankfurter. But what is this other voice ? * Right this way, gents! Vere y'are ! Fines! beer in the whole world. Cool and juicy, an’ no collar, You may travel far an wide, from the pine-clad hills of Maine to the sunny san’s of San Francisco, but yu'll never find better beer an’ more of it, than right here!" ‘This was almost too much for Ulysses. The salt air made him thirsty, and he knew exactly the spot where a good glass of cold beer would do the most good. He yelled and curred his crew even more than was his habit, but they paid no attention to him on account of the wax in theirears. “Now, then, step right in, gents! One dime enables you to see the whole show! Finest collection of curiosities in the world! Only gen- yuwine Zulus now on exhibition in this country! The handsomest bearded lady in existence! Terrific combat every ten minutes between Elliot F, Shepard and the fool-killer! Only original sea-serpent, just captured off the coast of Rarren Island! Remember, gents, one dime admits you to all parts of the entertainment! For years Ulysses longed to see a sea-serpent. It piqued his mar curiosity, and he raged and struggled and yelled and cursed, but all no effect, The crew were playing seven-up on the deck and were deaf to his entreaties, The ood ships sped on until only could be heard faintly the Sirens saying “Only genuine Rhode Island clam-take !” “Take you and yer lady seated in hammock fer twenty-five cents!" “Three rides for a quarter, one for a dime * Iee-cold sody, now, gents ! t last they were abreast of Far Rockaway and beyond the reach of the Sirens’ voices. Ulysses was released, and the crew received permis- sion to wash their ears, And so ended one of the greatest. dangersof the homeward voyage of Ulysses Metcalfe. SHE HAD BEEN AN ACQUAINTANCE OF THE CREAT-GRANDFATHER OF ULYSSES, comicbooks.com