Life — December 30, 1886 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“ETRE 9 ei o) LL At SeISSoR§ AT NvLLy DREADFULLY THIRSTY. ‘A BEGGAR, to all appearance slightly befogged, thus accosted a passer-by : ‘ Sir, would you please give me a little money to buy a bit of bread, for I am so dreadfully thirsty that I don’t know where I am to get a night’s lodging.” — Nouvelles a la Main. A Goop story is told of Mark Twain, that has not yet been printed. It appears that last winter, having to fill a lecturing en- gagement at a Western city, the humorist. boarded a train that is Noted for its slowness and is always avoided by regular travelers. But the lecturing committee had written to the humorist agreeing to meet him at the depot upon the arrival of this train, and so he had no al- ternative. Two hours’ traveling, however, served:to put Mark out of patience. Stopping the conductor as he passed through the car, Mark asked as civilly as he could: ‘Why don't you. people run this train faster 2” The conductor, ignorant who his questioner was, rejoined : “Jt runs fast enough to suit us. If youdon’t like the rate of speed why don’t you get out and walk 2” ‘Well, I would,” returned Mark, settling back in his seat, ‘‘ but that some friends won’t come to meet me until the train arrives, and I don’t want to be waiting around the depot for two or three hours.” — WV. Y. Star. ‘THE salvation army in Portland, Org., held service in the jail there on a recent Sunday ; and the leader told such a startling story of his wickedness before he joined the army, that, after the performance was over, one of the convicts said: ‘‘ The lamp can now be extinguished ; the vilest sinner has returned.” — Actual Happening. Extract of White Roses for the Hair, | as made by J. & E. Atkinson, London, is frag- rant, invigorating and delightful. Indispensable to ladies. ONE should FAIL to examine the merits of the | IMPERIAL BURNER, | which gives the most brilliant and per- | fect light produced by any Lamp | CELEBRATED HATS known. On exhibition, lighted, in a selection | of Lamps specially imported this season | by | BENNETT B. SCHNEIDER, | 37 Park Place, New York. | AND LADIES’ ROUND HATS, 178 & 180 Fifth Ave., bet. 22d & 23d Sts., and 181 Broadway, near Cortland St., NEW YORK. | Palmer House, Chicago. 423 A Hincuam, Mass.,.woman is said to have hit upon a happy idea when she was puzzled what to do in order to tell her mince and apple pies apart. She was advised to mark them, and did so, and compla- cently announced : ‘ This I’ve marked ‘T. M.’—’Tis mince ; an’ that I've marked ‘T. M.’—’Taint mince.” — Zx. HOTEL GUEST (who has come in late): Here! what are you doing under my bed ? SNEAK THIEF : I beg your pardon, sir, but in the dark I lost my way. Can you tell me where I will find No. 237 ?— Ex. WOULDN'T MARRY THE WHOLE FAMILY. ‘“Younc man,” said the stern parent'to the applicant for his daugh- ter's hand, “are you sure you can support a family 2” “LT wasn't m-making any calculations on that,” stammered the youth ; “I only want the girl, you know.” — Pittsburgh Dispatch. AN estimable old sheep-raiser of Vermont, though a church mem- ber and a deacon, was sadly addicted to the ardent. He was induced by the reform committee of the church to take the abstaining pledge, subject only to the sheep-washing periods, during which tasking times it was deemed essential to allow of some stimulant. But matters did not seem to mend with the worthy deacon very much and the com- mittee paid another remonstrating visit after a while, when they found him in a woeful state of intoxication. ‘You see that ‘ere sheep ?” he asked, pointing toa dejected looking Cotswold; ‘ that’s (hic) cleanest sheep in Vermont ; wash him every fifteen minutes.” In a Lewiston, Me., grammar-school class one day last week, the teacher looked over the class and said: “ Now, can anybody tell me what the word gender means?” A long silence was followed by the snapping of a boy’s fingers at the foot of the class. ‘* Well, what is it, John ?” asked the teacher. ‘‘ Please, mum,” was the reply, “it’s what goes with the geese.” — £x. |\LADIES' TAILOR, HABIT MAKER, 19 EAST 2tet STREET, WOULD respectfully announce that he will, as in preceding years, in order to keep his skilled hands. fully employed, make especial inducements at reduced prices from date to February sth next. N. B.— All gar- ments made at re- duced prices to be embraced=. 914 Chestnut St., Phila, | within the above The best satisfaction guaranteed, or you | can have your money returned. | HEADQUARTERS FOR STRAIGHT WHISKIESs period. Model garments remaining on hand oltered at haif price. Seal and Astrakhan Coats and Jackets made only of the best quality English-dyed Skins and war- ranted a satisfactory fit. “OLD CROW” AND HERMITAGE, | — SOUR MASH. Sold absolutely pure, unsweetened, uncolored. | Various ages. None sold less than four years old. | Reliable for medical use. | ‘We have taken every barrel of Rye Whisky made at the Old Crow Distillery since January, 1872. Sole Agents for The Pleasant Valley Wine Co. Full lines of reliable Foreign Wines, Liquors and No, ESTABLISHED 1854. THORLEY’S ROSES, 1173 BROADWAY, Under Coleman House, KIMBALL’S SATIN People of refined taste who desire exceptionally fine cig- arettes should use only our "Straight Cut, put up in satin packets and boxes of ros, 208, 508, and 100s. 74 Prize Medals. WM. S. KIMBALL & CO. New York. H.B.KIRK & CO., 69 FULTON ST., BROADWAY sno 27TH ST., AND 9 WARREN STREET. ESTABLISHED 1853. CROSBY’S VITALIZED PHOSPHITES. Strengthens the intellect, restores lost functions, builds up worn-out nerves, promotes good digestion, cures all weaknesses and nervousness, 6 Wasr asta Srazet, New York. For Satz sy Dauccists, on Matt, $1.00, comicbooks.com