Life, 1886-09-30 · page 12 of 16
Life — September 30, 1886 — page 12: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
# Analysis for Modern Readers This page contains two satirical pieces from *Life* magazine: **"Every-Day Rules for Barbers"** mocks incompetent barbershop practices through exaggerated instructions. The humor targets barbers who: scrape customers raw, repeatedly re-lather (suggesting laziness or incompetence), make awkward small talk about weather, and injure patrons while asking if it hurts. The final joke—directing a maimed customer to an undertaker—represents the ultimate failure. This satirizes the era's widespread complaints about poor barbershop service. **"The Last Resort"** is a humorous poem about a wealthy person fleeing to Canada to escape both social obligations ("style and fashion," expensive resorts like Saratoga) and legal troubles ("U.S. detectives"). The punchline reveals he's "a defunct bank director"—someone who mismanaged or embezzled from a bank and is now hiding from authorities. This reflects Gilded Age banking scandals and financial crime. Both pieces use exaggeration and wordplay typical of *Life*'s satirical approach to contemporary American life.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
- LIFE: XIII. Scrape both jaws with the razor, and if musically inclined whistle in the patient’s ear during the ceremony. XIV. After he is entirely flayed ask if the razor hurts. XV. If he says yes, continue the process until he swears that it does not hurt. XVI. Inform patient that a little shampoo might not hurt him. XVII. Soak his face with bay ‘rum, putting an especially large quantity on all raw spots. XVIII. Comb patient’s hair on wrong side, scrape magnesia | over his black tie, let a drop of lather fall on his boots, hand EVEN AN OLD FISHERMAN CAN LEARN SOMETHING AT HIS BUSINESS. Fisherman to Newsboy: 1 SAY, BOY, WHAT KIND 0’ FISH DO THEM GALS KETCH WITH THEM SCOOP NETS ? Newsboy: WHY, SUCKERS, OF COURSE. EVERY-DAY RULES FOR EVERY-DAY PEOPLE. I. — BARBERS, “FIRST catch your hair.” II. Place him in the chair and manipulate the tiller | wheel until he is screwed down into a position at once uncom- fortable and barbarous. | III. Remark about the weather. In observing this rule it is well likewise to have observed the meteorological con- ditions. If it is blowing at the rate of 160 miles an hour, call | your patient's attention to the fact that it is “ windy to-day.” This puts the patient at his ease at once, and displays a friendly intent on your part, which may be efficacious in extracting a “for drink,” as the Frenchmen have it, at the close of the séance. IV. If the patient wants a shave, lather him. V. Having lathered the subject, rush to the hydrant and wash your hands. VI. Lather the patient again, VII. Seize your razor and sharpen it. VIII. Rub patient's jaw for five minutes. I. This sends the soap inside the pores and produces a tranquillity of the flesh | that even a fine tooth razor cannot disturb. IX. More lather. X. If the patient’s pores are not thoroughly stuccoed with soap by this time, read your morning paper until the required stuccodity is attained. XI. Seize your razor once more and flourish it three times on the strop, and then inquire if the patient is particu- larly tender in any particular spot. XIU. If he is, scrape that spot until the subject shows signs of dissolution, then soothe him with lather. him his hat, give him the address of a convenient undertaker, and XIX. Yell “Next!” THE LAST RESORT. WEET Canada! Unto thy shores I fly For rest and recreation; Long Branch and Saratoga I pass by. Far, far removed from style and fashion I Will spend my iong vacation. Cape May and Old Point Comfort have for me No longer their attraction ; No more in Hudson landscapes do I see The finest in the world, and unto thee I humbly make retraction. From trouble, toil, and strife they say I'll find Thy breezes disinfectives ; I turn all thoughts of business from my mind, I skip to thee and leave all cares behind, Also U. S. detectives. Loved Canada! Ensconced in thy cool clime, With thee for my protector, I’ll spend in sweet security my time. Some shekels, too, I think I'll spend, for I’m A defunct bank director. HE rumor that the Western Union Telegraph Company has purchased the Fifth avenue reservoir with a view | to further water stock is not credited. THE WIDOW'S MITE.