Life — July 8, 1886 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

NAUTICAL NOTE. YOUNG fellow who owned a fine yacht, When out sailing one day, cried: ‘‘Great Scacht ! The tide ’s running out— I should turn her about— But how it is done I ’ve forgacht !” * * * Bercuer (to young housekeeper) : I have nothing left, Mum, but a hindquarter of lamb and liver. , Young Housekeeper: Very well. You may send a small hindquarter of liver. * * EINE thought that a worse punishment could not be inflicted on the wicked after death than to be com- pelled, at the point of the pitchfork, to read the dull sermons written on earth. This was before Henry James took up the pen. * * * HY would not the last Tuesday in April make a good Inauguration Day? Mr. Winthrop’s proposal that it be substituted for the 4th of March has been embodied by Senator Hoar in the form of a resolution and submitted to Congress. Late April weather in Washington is good and early March weather is generally bad. That is the chief reason for the change, and it is a good one. * * * USSIA claims that the Turks have no legal rights in Europe, as they are all squatters. * First Citizen; HOWLY MURTHER, AND IS IT A HAYTHEN YE’RE Now, MIKE Second Ct WHuist, ME BYE, I'ME LAYIN’ FUR THAT BLAG- GARRD Roon WHEN HE SEES ME HE’LL THINK I ME A CHINASER, AND HIT ME WID A BRICK, AND THIN, BEGORRA, I CAN THRASH HIM WID OUT FEAR OF BEIN’ SINT UP FUR ‘SALT AND BATTERY,” HE French speak of the Princess of Wales as the Prin- cess of Galles. This may be a true designation in Europe, but we will never admit H. R. H.’s superiority to American Galles. * * * - is a curious fact that whenever a British Parliament gets into hot water it is sure to dissolve. * * * Owes to the present temper of the French Republic, regarding the numerous pretenders, this cannot be said to be fine weather for Ducs. * * * PE DAVIS has discovered a patent Pain killer. If Perry Davis could also patent a “Standard Oil” de- stroyer and a monopoly preventer, there is a fortune waiting for him out in Ohio. ¢ * * T is when we see young people at a church sociable mak- ing love unnoticed that we are reminded of the old proverb: “A small spark may lurk unseen.” * * * THE DEMANDS OF BUSINESS. “cc HY that cruel, relentless look, George, dear,” she asked, “ have you ceased to love me?” “Hush!” he whispered hoarsely, “the nature of my busi- ness demands it.” “Oh, George, does opening oysters require such a cold, unpitying expression ?” “Tam no longer an oyster opener,” he replied, and the cruel, relentless look became still more cruel and relentless ; “T’m a baggage master.” * * * TIMELY SUGGESTIONS. A SUMMER boarder in a sequestered New Jersey nook can keep off mosquitoes at night by putting the pillow- case over his head and tying it around his neck with his cravat. Additional protection would be afforded by saturat- ing the hands and feet with train oil. 2 WHEN the summer cats become very bad in your back yard, hire an Italian basso to sing at your window and pull your bootleg over your head till he succeeds in driving them off. WHEN your Chinese laundryman brings ig ladies’ gar- ments in your wash, hang them out on the window sill of your second-story front room, so that the owner may recog- nize and claim them as she passes by. IF you ever become a professional glass-eater, in a dime museum, carefully avoid eating stained glass, as the coloring substance is considered unwholesome. Ff A.M. ExHi@it 3S. x Sea comicbooks.com