Life — July 1, 1886 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

TIMELY SUGGESTIONS. CONVENIENT substitute for an alarm clock is a lighted candle inserted in the ear of a sleeping man. Cut the candle so that it will burn out just at the time when you wish to awake, and four times out of five you will wake up at the proper time. You can prevent milk from souring during a thunder- storm by telling your family that the thunder is Wagnerian music. BEES can be prevented from stinging by casing their rear- guards in tight-fitting silk muzzles. To keep your wife from scolding you for buying pools at a horse race, be sure to back the right horse. A NEw convert to total abstinence can cure the headache by sleeping all night in a mint patch. A PLEASANT way to cure a snake bite is to take a couple of “ cock-tails” a week before meeting the snake. AN ordinary horse-block can be utilized as a substantial substitute for the broken leg of a chair. You can heighten the popularity of an amateur cornet player by pouring a quart of boiled tar in his cornet while he is asleep. If this doesn’t succeed, use a sledge hammer instead of the tar. * * * A TRAMP’S VERSION—“ Half a loaf is better than hard work all the time.” * * * PICTORIAL SHAKESPEARE. 0, BE THOU DAMNED, INEXORABLE DoG ! Merchant of Venice, IV., 2. F fit material for a kiss you seek, You need but two lips and a little cheek. * * * RS. MALAPROP: I’m so glad, John, that we don’t belong to none of them old Dutch families. It must be so disagreeable to think you are descended from some old poltroon. * * * BOSTON CULTURE. LEVATOR BOY: Who is this Webster, anyway, they ’ve been making such a fuss about up at Con- cord? Is he the man who was hung ? * * * I T is the bustle that continues to “ bob up serenely.” * * * AS TO NAMES. MAN'S .name ought to be chosen with reference to some leading trait of character or b's position in life. In behalf of this much-needed reform we offer the following suggestions: For A car-driver—Oscar ; A Unitarian divine—Noel ; A man who is always late—Benjamin ; An undertaker—Paul ; A car conductor—Micah ; A farmer—Hosea ; A seedsman—Timothy ; A builder—Lot ; A dutiful son—Marcus; A Baltimore gir—Amabel ; A hair dresser—Basbara ; A chemist’s wife—Ann Eliza; A man who can’t take a joke—Solomon. AVS. * * * “cc LIBERAL member of thirty years’ standing,” says an English correspondent, “ complained bitterly of being obliged to sit cross-legged on the floor during a recent speech in Parliament.” We should think any kind of a seat would have been a relief to the poor man after standing so long. * * * “c ORACE, why don’t you sit down? You've been standing there for over an hour.” “Cawn’t sit down, Fweddie. Going to the reception, you know.” “Well, what of that? It’s early yet.” “Just had my twowsers cweased, Fweddie. I’ve got s-s-s-softening of the bwain?” Do you think comicbooks.com