Life — May 27, 1886 — page 2: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“ OMhile there's Life there's Hope.” VOL. VII. MAY 27, 1886. NO. 178. 1155 Broapway, New York. Published every Thursday, $5 a year in advance, postage free. Single copies, 10 cents. Back numbers can be had by applying to this office. Vol. I., $1.50 per number; Vol. II., 25 cents per number; Vols. I[I., IV., V. and VI, at regular rates. Rejected contributions will be destroyed unless accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope. IFE presents its respectful compliments to the Queen of Spain, and congratulates her upon the birth of her son. As an American citizen and born ruler, we are glad that there is another of us kings, and we wish the little lad as many good gifts as ever were bestowed by a fairy god- mother. We are happy also to give our sister Christina the benefit of our experience in the training of children. The raising of the young Alfonso, or Ferdinand, or whatever he may be named, is a matter of importance. It will probably be im- possible to make a great man of him, because there is no perceptible source from which he can be expected to have derived the raw material for such a result. It will be for- tunate if he may have inherited from his worthy mother the physical qualities which will make his stay on earth reason- ably permanent and comfortable. That he should be great is by no means necessary, but for him to be good and dutiful is very much to be desired. So much his mother’s training may secure if it is wise and fortunate. And, again, it may not; but the uncertainty of the issue cannot justify any neglect of preliminary effort. . . * ET him play baseball if he wants to, king or no king; and particularly if he should choose to practice’ the onerous duties of umpire, encourage him. It will be good practice, and you can protect his vitals from the violence of the pitcher by chain-plate armor and cotton batting. A little experience of the fury of a mob dissatisfied with his decisions will be worth everything to him in after life. There are no braver or more discriminating men than our hardy baseball umpires. The thrones of Europe might be filled from their ranks with profit to the nations and with considerable econ- omy of the revenues of the effete monarchies. . . . EEP him from doughnuts and lemon pie for a year or two to come. They are not the best diet for in- fants. Have him taught English. No king since the days of Columbus has been able to rule to advantage in the Span- ish language; and that tongue must be considered unfit for purposes of government. A little experience of poker would do him no harm, if care- fully administered. Almost all the great American statesmen of the present day have had to learn how to draw to a bob- tail flush, and look wise over it. His intellectual endowment may make such knowledge valuable to him. Do n't let him smoke cigarettes; but from the ordinary perils of childhood it is unwise to try too hard to shield him. It may be well to have a couple of dukes on the bank when he goes swimming—but he must swim. That is the inherent right of smail kings. . . T is a saving of meditation to know at the start what business you propose to have the little man eventually engage in. In the case of an ordinary American child there is an uncertainty as to whether, when he grows up, he will prefer to be a Minister of the Gospel or an Alderman; and to fit out her offspring with traits that would be equally useful in either vocation embarrasses the American mother in recur_ ting particulars. You, Esteemed Majesty, have an easier prospect. Your little boy will either be a king or a dude, and your effort is limited to the duty of teaching him king- craft; since, if he is to be the other thing, the less he knows the better he will fit the part, The simplicity of your case is partially offset by the consideration that kingship is a “mighty onsartin” industry, but the child is committed to that pro- fession with only the alternative specified. We confess we do not envy you your anxious duties, but if while doing your best. you instruct your broker to invest modestly from time to time in the stock of Don Carlos, you will hardly fail to have compensations whatever befalls. “ Angels can no more.” You have our sympathy and our counsel is always at your service. . . . HERE, oh, where is the Za//afoosa ? It is better that she should cruise off the banks of Newfoundland and be sinking American fishing schooners than that they should continue to fall into the hands of our impertinent neighbors. . . . HERE is an informal tradition that the tree that grew in Paradise and bore forbidden fruit was the apple. Jaehne knows better. It was the boodle tree; and a picture Jaehne draws of the serpent is a speaking likeness of Jacob e x ° io . HE bans were published in Paris a week ago for the marriage of Patti and Nicolini. Thus by easy stages the famous singer is returning to the state of holy matrimony. * The fair lady marries as she sings, on the installment plan. comicbooks.com