Life, 1886-05-06 · page 11 of 16
Life — May 6, 1886 — page 11: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
# The Elite Elopement Company This is a satirical piece mocking both romantic elopement traditions and the era's obsession with systematizing everything through bureaucratic organization. The joke: A fictional company has industrialized the spontaneous, passionate act of eloping—turning it into a planned, surveyed operation with official procedures, licensed surveyors, and paperwork. The groom merely "makes an entry on the Company's books" and waits for notification. The vehicle itself embodies the satire: it's a hybrid carriage-fire-ladder-chapel on wheels, equipped with a minister, organ, marriage certificates (in multiple languages), and a complete ladder apparatus for scaling tall modern buildings—acknowledging that Victorian architecture has made traditional ladder elopements impractical. The illustrations show the comical mechanics in action: surveyors mapping exits, horses with documented speed records, the elaborate van en route. The underlying satire targets Gilded Age America's faith that any human experience—even romance—could be perfected through proper planning, professionalization, and corporate efficiency. It's gently mocking both the loss of genuine spontaneity and the era's faith in systematic solutions.
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Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
-LI THE ELITE ELOPEMENT COMPANY. GPRiTED elopements, with scaling ladders and waiting coaches, are almost a lost art; and whether it is because this age is too practical for such romance, or the modern buildings are too tall for the ordinary ladders of latter-day lovers, is a question which is open to discussion, Our debating societies might shed some of their light on the matter, The Elite Elopement Company, having faith in the continuance (even under modern discouragements) of the get-up-at-night-and- scoot-with-your-own-true-love spirit, have organized a system which, | it is hoped, will make elopements so attractive that a revival of anti- | parental nuptials may at once be expected. | The Company will make the future elopement a well-planned, sys- | tematic operation, quite the reverse of the olden time crude, hurry- | scurry flight, in which everything was in confusion, and the plans | were so amateurish that flat failure was frequently and logically the result. Now, when a lover wants to carry off a girl, he makes an entry on the Company's books, after which he has nothing to do until receipt of an official notification that the Company's carriage will call for him at a specified time. Y After such an entry, the Company sends one of its skilled surveyors to the young lady's house, where the servants are feed, and a careful survey and map of the premises are made, showing all the exits, by | door, window and chimney. Next, full enquiry is made of the family physician as to the paternal's fighting condition, hours of sleep, density of slumber, | aggressiveness of snore, proneness to sudden awaking, habits of mind | when abruptly disturbed, speed record of his available horses, near- ness of stables, etc., etc., and the Company's forces and horses are regulated to correspond. These points having been systematically arranged a copy of rules and regulations is next forwarded to the lady; and nothing remains but to await the appointed night. When the time arrives, the Company's carriage is sent to the groom's house; and he may well be surprised when, with full dress (as instructed), he issues from his dwelling ; and first sees the vehicle waiting for him. This combination vamoose van and hasty hymeneal hack—a FE- 263 triumph of its kind—was made in Europe under the personal super- vision of the Company's architect. It is a combination of the Queen Anne caboose and the New York fire hook and ladder. In front is the caboose, consisting of one mod- LEAVING THE MOUSK. — ern apartment, in which, as the groom enters, he will find the Com- pany's minister (already robed), a chancel, a small organ, with player, and a full line of blank marriage certificates, in English, French, Welsh, Greek and Russian, The rear of the vehicle is, as before mentioned, on the plan of the fire hook and ladder ; and on same will be found a complete set of well seasoned ladders, which, when con- nected, will serve for the highest flat in New York. The whole is drawn by four horses, each of which has a record, as will be found in certificates at the head office. No pursuing cob can catch these Cupid barbs. ‘TWE ELITE ELOPEMENT CO."S VAMOOSE VAN EN ROUTE. comicbooks.com