Life — November 5, 1885 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

-LIFE- HOW FAR DISTANT WAS THE GREAT EXPLOSION FELT? ROF. ROGERS, of Harvard, has reported as follows to our scientific editor and to the public as regards the Flood Rock explosion : “ At 11:17:30 by the chronometer, a very decided commo- tion of the mercury was observed. About fifteen seconds later the rumble (sic) of an ice wagon was heard at a distance of 1,000 to 1,500 hundred feet from the observatory. From this instant the effects of the disturbance by the wagon and of the explosion were combined,” etc. Now, it occurred to the mighty intellect of our scientific editor that the professor must be in error as to the ice wagon. Upon investigation it was found that a/most no ice wagons are now constructed with rumbles. Secondly, most rumbles are noiseless, fer se. Thirdly, Prof. A. Ward has proved that Harvard College was pleasantly located in the bar-room of Parker's, and a bar-room may be deemed, for the purposes of demonstration, an entrance to sheol—or hell gate, and it being undisputed that hell gate felt the shock considerably, the conclusion is irresistible that the ice wagon Aad nothing to do with the disturbance of the mercury at Harvard Ob- servatory. Will the worthy professor kindly take a back seat on the rumble of the ice cart ? To prove our position that the explosion was distinctly heard round the world (not unlike Emerson’s shot at Lex- ington) enquiries were addressed to several astronomers by private telephone, with the following favorable results : Prof. Von Flannelmuth telephones from Bingen-on-the- Rhine : “At 11:15:63 by mein glock und chain, das Merkure ge hobbe ge hopt ride oop und down. Der Ausbruch! cried I, astounded, but mein Frau did down der stairs ge tumble ot der same moment. It shook der haus like dunder and blitzen!” Now Bingen-on-the-Rhine, as is well known, is exactly 2,400 kilogrammes easterly from meridian of Harvard Univer- sity. When the good Herr professor's calomel was upset by the explosion it was sufficiently powerful to upset his good Frau into the bargain. (Note the effect upon his house, his Frau and the time, and calculate the longitude. Formula, 2,4004/x+ HO; — 1.) Prof. Sunset Cox replies : “* Was dining with the Sultan at 11:11:45. Felt the palace tremble. The Sultan, drinking his coffee, swore a mighty oath. His coffee went down his sleeve. My knees trembled. He drew his flashing scimiter and cut off ten heads at a stroke. ‘Hold! hold!’ I cried, ‘my home is in the flaming West!’ He held. ‘ Yes,’ he replied sadly, as he placed his shining weapon in its scabbard, ‘you are raising h—I in the flaming West!’ I exploded with laughter. Will you kindly wait until I am recalled before exploding anything again?” Now, the Sublime Porte is some 4,125 parasangs east of the Harvard meridian, yet Prof. Cox distinctly exploded there at 11:11:45—with laughter. Need we give more proof ? Prof. Dimitri Knockemoff, of the Royal Observatory of the Romanoffs, St. Petersburg, telephones: “At 11:12:48 the mercury shot two versts up into the air. I look my observa- tory out. I see ze heir of all ze Russias mit his palace fly high in ze air. Himmels koff! I cry, ze palace is feeling ze explosion at Hell Gate. (I am a Nihilist meselluf.)” This is very strong proof. St. Petersburg is 8,125 versts east of the Harvard meridian, and yet note how the great explosion affected the Emperor of Russia upon his royal throne! Rumble of an ice cart, indeed ! Prof. Hari Kari Antipodes, astronomer and lord high exe- cutioner to the Mikado, telephones from Fusiyama: ° ° M ! 1 F 4 ) ° . F Clearly, then, if the blast was sufficient to drive the substra- tum of Flood Rock as far as Japan, it was NOT the rumble of the ice wagon which disturbed the mercury of the Harvard professor ! THE BOSTONESE PLAGUE. AY the Fates, which are kind, soon deliver us from the Plague of Boston novels! Long years now have we suffered and endured. Since the Great Magician fell asleep on “the hill-top hearsed with pines; since the “shining cataract half-way down the height,” broke into mist ; since Hawthorne died—through all these years we have been pestered with the product of medi- ocre talent, reflecting and re-reflecting the same old types of character, until it seems that there is no American left of flesh and blood, high hopes and independence, believing in himself, his people and his country. These sons of the Puritans are forever standing in a public place, and thanking God that they are not as their fathers ; that they have outgrown the religion and bigotry of the brave days of old ; and that they are not even as these pub- licans, their fellow-citizens of other cities and States. All the while their Pharisaism is more intense and illiberal than that of the fathers whom they affect to despise. comicbooks.com