Life — September 3, 1885 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

- LIFE: Mt. Desert—of $7.50 per diem, and acted as his own boot- black, waitress and chambermaid. The fare, consisting of such food as was afforded by reflection, love and invitations to dinner, while not fattening, was nevertheless equal to the task of supporting life. Providing himself with a handsomely .engraved card, the SAUNTERER Sent a specimen copy of the same to every one in town he didn’t know, which, as he was but a stranger there, was possibly not so select a method as might have been employed. This naturally opened the way for calling afterwards upon all the families in person to explain the awk- ward mistake which is always liable to attend the similarity of names to those of old friends of the family, and an apology invariably offered for the apparently impertinent in- trusion rarely failed in extracting the hope from the other party that he, she or it should have the pleasure of seeing the SAUNTERER again. Such is the power of grace and beauty in a social atmo- sphere. In nine cases out of ten this little ruse worked so success- fully that, within three days of his arrival, the SAUNTERER was engaged.to all but two of the young ladies in town, and they only refused because, coming from Boston, they could not enthuse sufficiently to say yes on a three-hour ac- quaintance. Of course such popularity had its disadvantages, especially when the SAUNTERER and “his fiancée" were invited to attend a subscription ball at the Malvern. Each matron in town told every other happy mother that Mr. Harcourt was to escort her daughter to the ball that evening, which little confidence led to many a misunderstanding and several coolnesses between families. This was nothing, however, alongside of the effect pro- duced upon the Lady Patronesses—no doubt so called to distinguish them from the Gentleman Patronesses—when the SAUNTERER drove up in a twenty-seated buckboard, each seat containing three girls. The manageresses did n't know what to make of it, and Mt. Desert is convulsed over the social solecism of a Malvern Ball where there were not three men for each girl. It was likewise rather wearing to have to stop all over town and send in for ten or adozen fiancées in a lump, especially as the SAUNTERER had sworn a terrible oath to each that he was the one true, honest lover in Mt. Desert who did n't travel on the Mormon doctrine of Polyfiancéism, and to explain to sixty girls all at once that they “ must have’ misunderstood him, and that there was a glaring error some- where ” was embarrassing to the last degree. It was noticeable that they all willingly deferred any final rupture of the engagements until the next day, as the oppor- tunity to attend a Malvern Ball is eagerly sought by every girl in Mt. Desert, and once obtained is not rashly given up. The next time the SAUNTERER was invited to an enter- tainment, for some terribly occult reason, blamable, no doubt, to a Democratic administration of the mails, the cards were not received until the morning after the event had taken place. The exposure of the SAUNTERER'S baseness, 1314 and the confirmation of the suspicion that he was as great a perjurer as all other Mt. Desert men, destroyed for once and for all his charming little corner on girls. For a day and a half he received nothing but snubs from his former fiancées, and in one case his receipts were not con- fined to the cut direct. One young lady became so confused that, in her vexation of spirit, she returned to the SAUNTERER the gifts of his predecessor in her affections. This enabled him to live in a little better style, and a boatman was found who was willing to lease him a canoe for a week in con- sideration of a little blue heart locket containing a lock of false hair and a tin type of a Philadelphia girl. Possessed of a canoe, fortune once more smiled upon the SAUNTERER, and the hard-hearted jilters of the day before became once more his devoted admirers. But this time the SAUNTERER was proud and confined his attentions to heir- esses and, when canoeing, resolutely refused to do any experi- mental drowning for any girl whose father was worth less than a million. To such an extent, however, was the Heiress Drowning and Rescuing scheme worked, that after a week's judicious management the SAUNTERER possessed enough gratitude from Monopolists and Bloated Bond Holders, that he could have lived the rest of his days on a complimentary ticket, without a care to cause him sleepless nights, were it not for the fact that all the gratitude had to be compressed into the hospitalities of the next season in town. It was a paying business, without counting incidental divi- dends realized by the banjos which were thus lost forever to their fair owners, but which were subsequently recovered by a young newspaper correspondent who shall be name- less, So went the week with Rinking, Tennis, and such games as Bunny and Pebbles for evening entertainment thrown in. A sad accident on Saturday caused the SAUNTERER to leave the town for the season. While canoeing with a young lady from Providence the usual programme of upsetting the canoe was followed out, with the important ceremony of rescuing the girl omitted. The SAUNTERER was terribly cut up over the young lady's death, and offered ample apolo- gies to her family. They treated him kindly and begged him not to mention it, which he proceeded to do, but not mentioning things cast such a gloom over his whole being that he started for the White Mountains, where he now is and from whence will be sent his next communication. Cholmondeley Harcourt. SATISFACTORY RESULTS. LERICAL-LOooKING GENTLEMAN (to boy): “ My little man, can you direct me to the camp meeting?” LitTLe Boy (in great haste): ‘Yessir, It's jest on de odder side of de hill.” GENTLEMAN : “ Ah, thanks. I suppose the attendance is large and the results satisfactory ?" LitTLe Boy (with enthusiasm): “ Yessir, de results is wery satisfactory. Me fadder tapped a kag o’ beer jest out- side de groun’s, an’ sold it all in less ’n an hour. I'm goin’ fer an odder kag.”