Life — July 2, 1885 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A PLEAgeo CHILO A LIGHTED Fuse, COMBINATION No. Combination . 10. THE INTERVIEWER HO lies forever alone ’s “O. K.” Sit down, good fellow, and lie, I pray! With a careless heart and a merry eye I hate the truth and I love to lie: I lie to the aged, I lie to the youth, I lie with a semblance akin to truth. To lie is my glory, my fame, my pride, I'm the lyingist liar that ever lied. I've'lied till my hearers in blank despair Gasped out their last in the sulphurous air. And I'll still lie on, for it pays tolie, Yes, I'll lie on till the day FABLES FOR THE TIMES. THE TORPEDO AND THE SPRING CHICKEN. ~ Chicken that had just left the frying-pan, and said : “ You miserable little animal, get out of my way or I'll put a head on you! If I should collide with you there would not be enough of you left to grease a gimlet !” The Spring Chicken replied : “Tam not afraid of a harmless little sea-terrapin as you. Do you take me for a flat-boat or the Dolphin? You must be sea-sick. Get off the sidewalk, or I'll scatter your per- sonal fragments!” The Torpedo then sprang upon the Spring Chicken with a wild explosion that broke the glass in the neighboring build- ings; but the next moment the Torpedo was lying in the gutter utterly disabled, while the Chicken was sauntering | down the pavement whistling “ Never Bet Your Money on the Shanghai!” MORAL: This Fable teaches that there is a good deal of | ‘3 : : | officer of this sort—an old aunt—who discharges her duties | with great success. gold that does n't glitter. THE LION AND THE TIGER, LION anda Tiger met by appointment one day to discuss a business transaction; but the Lion could speak nothing but the Bostonese favors, and the Tiger could speak nothing but English; so the Fox, who could speak both languages fluently, was employed to act as interpreter. But the Fox was a cunning rascal, and instead of acting the part of an honest interpreter, he translated the words of the Lion as very insulting to the Tiger, and the words of the Tiger as equally insulting to the Lion. The result was that the Lion | and the Tiger sprang upon each other and fought till they were WHITEHEAD TORPEDO met a Chicago Spring | both dead. The Fox then invited his friends and feasted upon the dead bodies. MoRAL: This Fable teaches that nations should not de- | clare war on the unsupported statements of their diplomatic agents. A LETTER FROM AN OFFICE-SEEKER. CHILLICOTHE, OHIO, June 26, 1885. PRESIDENT CLEVELAND: N the rude vernacular of the populace, I am called a tramp; but I am simply a permanent light-armed tourist, with strong Bohemian instincts, and a predisposition to irregular meals and a/ fresco lodging. 1 hereby apply for the position of Food-Taster to your Excellency. If there is no such office, it ought to be created in order to protect you and your friends from poisoners. The Sultan, Abdul Hamid, has'an I would make a first-class Taster, and would thoroughly establish the innocuous quality of every dish before sending it into your presence. I am a natural epicure myself, my beefsteak being always eaten very rare— about once a month. When I finish tasting a steak, the residuum would not hurt a sick puppy. If you will give me the position of White House Taster, 1 might materially enhance your longevity—as well as my own. . Yours, with much love, Bossy BURNS TOMPKINS.