Life — August 21, 1884 — page 2: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

86. Pablished every Thursday, $5 a year in advance, postage free. Single copies, 10 cents, to this office. regular rates. Rejected contributions will not be returned unless accompanied by a stamped and Back nambers can be had by applying Vol. 1., 20 cents per copy ; Vols. IT, and HIT, at tirected envelope. ufter all, the 7/et’s and Bear and Alert and and feathers and GREELY and all have got back from the North Pole, and cannons have been fired and speeches made, and CHANDLER did the handsome thing by allowing the United States to take him for nothing to Ports- mouth to them—always thoughtful, CHANDLER is—and frugal—and HAZEN said he was real glad to see them back, which was true, but not Haz fault—and we have had columns in the papers, and no end of excitement, and now we are prepared to sit right down and think it over, and find out what was really accomplished by this expedition, which cost us several lives and some millions in money. The principal scientific facts discovered are the following : 1. The North Pole lies due north of New York. It was not discovered, but its general direction was pretty well established. 2. That the North Pole lies in the Arctic regions. 3. That it is an almighty cold neighborhood. 4. That nearly all the animals there wear sealskin jackets the year round. 5. That Chief Signal Officers are somewhat unreliable caterers, 6. That when men cannot get food they starve to death. 7. That extreme cold produces frost bite. 8. That the getting back is the chief fun and difficulty of the expedition. These important points have been substantiated by scien- tific observations made from time to time during the trip, and together with other interesting facts relating to the preparation of sealskin consommé and leather pudding, will be submitted to all scientific societies who are in the habit of giving silver medals for that sort of new It is to be regretted that the ye tax-payer is too stupid to see how this outlay can benefit mankind in the slightest way. When an uninfluential citizen expresses a desire to go to the North Pole, we take | When a signal officer is seized with a | him to Ward's Island. similar desire, we confiscate two millions of public money to send him, and then about four millions to get him back, These are intricacies of government which at first are hard to comprehend. But when we contemplate the results, as given above, we can hardly regret it. The only drawbacks to the recently opened-up country | seem to be that the cost of getting there is yet somewhat too high to deflect much of the summer travel from Newport and Saratoga, and that the place is in a shockingly bad sanitary condition. The harbors are excellent—a ship could not be safer under lock and key, than at the Pole. Other expeditions which will be of equal value to mankind are now being fitted out by Government regardless of expense. hey are as follows: 1. To explore the headwaters of Squeedunk Creek, which is one of the tributaries of the Withlabugbecooche river in Florida. The numbeg of gallons of water it supplies will be accurately measured “And a careful census of the moccasin snakes and alligators which line its banks will be a special object of the corps of scientists employed. 2. To ascertain if the male third cousins of the wives of native Kings on the Congo River, Africa, are subject to measles. Careful notés on the prevalence of dyspepsia among the gray parrots held.in captivity by this race will also be made. 3. To explore the sewers of London, Paris and New York, and ascertain the relative number of suspender buttons lost | in each during a year. Meanwhile, appropriations will be passed by Congress for | the speedy rescue of ‘those going upon these expeditions, at the rate of $400,000 per man. we will get off cheaply. But to return to the Greely expedition. We opposed it in the beginning, but now are compelled to acknowledge our The benefit accruing to science and humanity by the knowledge than men freeze or starve to death in those regions, is more than compensation. Geographically, too, the expe- dition seems to have been a success, in that it discovered the long lost Cannibal Islands. Otherwise we might be inclined to regret that men who are so foolhardy and eaten up with desire for empty notoriety as to want to go on such an expe- At that figure it is estimated error. | dition, do not die of softening of the brain before they can tempt ignorant but brave soldiers and sailors into volunteer- ing to follow them. Were it not for the immense benefit it has rendered mankind as we have shown, the Greely expe- dition, from first to last, might pass to posterity as a piece of most extravagant folly wherein recklessness and criminal mismanagement brought about an end which sickens and horrifies the world. comicbooks.com