Life — July 10, 1884 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

- LIFE: THE BALLADE OF JERUSHA, ETC. ERUSHA Keturah Miranda Sophia ‘ Was so cross-eyed and plain that no lovercame nigh her ; And since she had waited till thirty in vain, A sorry old maid she seemed like to remain. So Jerusha Keturah Miranda Sophia Had this fiction palmed off on the worthy town-crier : That an uncle in England had perished from fright, And left her a million all in her own right. To Jerusha Keturah Miranda Sophia This news, it was claimed, had been brought by the wire ; And all of the gossips in Pumpkintown said, How nice such a damsel to woo, and to wed ! Well, Jerusha Keturah Miranda Sophia Has captured a dudelet who would n’t go nigh her Till he thought he was sure as a fellow could be That she had the round million he wanted to see. O, Jerusha Keturah Miranda Sophia, You are cross-eyed and plain, but you ’re good on a flyer, But what will the dude say, when, roping him in (Though he knew there’s no /in-se//), he finds there's no TIN!” Lupovict. FOR SALE—A LOT OF CLERGYMEN. AREFULLY assorted and warranted to deceive the best critics. First job lot this season. All familiar with the Revised Testament. Sold positively without reserve. Empty churches will find this the best opportunity yet offered. No. 1. Twenty-seven years old, sickly, pale and interesting. Andover. Took first prize for essay on Pre-Adamitism. Has n’t read a word of modern science and do n't want to. Plays chess, but no cards. Salary, $1,200, No. 2. Thirty-four years old. Yale and Goettingen. Traveled through Europe. Describes Paris vice like an eye- witness. Devout. Divorced from wife in Connecticut be- cause she was Unitarian, Disowned her and two heretical children he had by her. Willing to marry again. Two bar- rels unused sermons all paid for. Salary, $3,000. No. 3. Forty-three years old. Self-made man, formerly a baker. English at times bad, but sincere and a powerful voice. Refuted Darwin but infidel press would n’t publish it. Married; eight children. Considers waltzing immoral, but will take part in quadrille. Small salary. Donation parties thankfully received. No. 4. Amherst. Trinity. Forty-three years old and handsome, florid, complexion guaranteed. Dining and win- ing aspecialty. Short sermons, beautiful manuscript prayers. Unmarried. Desires a delicate partner of pious character and wealth demanded by the exigencies of modern life. Church rows attended to. $5,000. No. 5. Forty-nine years old. Oxford. Dalmatic, incense and private confessional. Preaches to the e/#te,; no Irish allowed. Four rear pews for colored people and domestics. Slight flaw in early record—deacon’s wife. All a malicious lie. Circumstantial evidence and a packed jury. $6,000, For other lots, see catalogue. Two weeks’ trial. Also job lot second-hand sermons, all doctrinal, 15 cents a pound. Great bargains in assorted prayers. Also one barrel Sunday-school addresses good as new. PaGANINI & Co., i Bible-house Square. THE MITCHELL-SULLIVAN MATCH. HE vituperative powers of the New York Press were adequately shown by the disgraceful abuse of those eminent gentlémen Prof. J. Lawrence Sullivan and the Hon. Charles Mitchell on the morning following their unperformed performance at the Madison Square Garden. Prof. Sullivan, an honored scientist of Boston at the earnest request of several prominent New Yorkers, consented to join Mr. Mitchell, a scion of English nobility, in a refined exhibition of fisticuffery. This in itself was a bit of condescension on the part of a Bostonian which New York would do well to appreciate. The leaders of all grades of Society, to the number of seven thousand were present at an individual outlay of two dollars. Captain Williams, the representative of the police under whose auspices this and other delightful entertainments of a similar nature are held, was also present. Shortly before the guests began to arrive word was received at the box-office that Messrs. Sullivan and Mitchell were both indisposed and the match could not take place. The manage- ment very praiseworthily announced this, but the would-be audience clamored for tickets and absolutely thrust their two dollar notes into their reluctant hands. Then after having forced their way into the building, with a boorishness which causes a blush to mantle our cheek, this audience, composed of the eéte of New York City, clamored fiercely for Mr. Sullivan and cast a blot upon our civilization by demanding the return of their money. In answer to this display of boorishness the too conde- scending Mr. Sullivan appeared and stated that a weeks’ ac- cumulation of malaria in his system would prevent his per- forming the usual ceremonies with Mr. Mitchell’s person, in which sentiment he was upheld by Mr. Mitchell, who remarked that under the circumstances the affair could be nothing but an exhibition of brutality inte which he would not allow him- self to be drawn. The gentlemen having expressed themselves as above, the crowd broke out again into fierce denunciations and redemanded their money. The management endeavored to soothe the excitement by offering to turn the affair into a Blaine and comicbooks.com