Life — June 19, 1884 — page 10: what you’re looking at

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346 POPULAR SCIENCE CATECHISM. Lesson XIX.—The Candidate. HAT is this? This, dear, is our great candidate for the Presi- dency of the United States of America. By whom was this nice gentleman put up? By the grand old party. What is his name? The Plumed Knight. Oh! Iam so glad the grand old party hasn't put up a bad man. Yes, dear. Suppose they had put up a well-known thief—would n't that be just too awful? Certainly. Or a ring master? Yes, love. Or a guano shark? That would have been dreadful? Dreadful. Or just suppose they had nominated some one favor- able to Star Route, and other astronomical forms of swindling the tax payers ? It would have been bad. Or suppose it was a man who had been mixed up with bad bonds, or Mulligans, or any other of those horrid things ? Yes, dear. It would have given the grand old party a black eye? Unquestionably. But in the case of a gentleman who has been square Srom wayback— Yes. And who has never connived at rascality, consorted with pirates or treasury rats, or been stecped in villainy all his political life—that is just the man? Just. For, otherwise, his nomination would sort of blister the boys ? Yes. And be nuts for the Democratic party—would n't it? Oh, yes. Ffonest men like to feel, when they vote, that they are not voting for a man who ought by rights to be fertiliz- ing Government land with guano on the Dry Tortugas? They do. And if such a man were put up, he would need a sine shirt and tin trousers to protect him—would n't he? He would, indeed. LIFE: The grand old party never makes a mistake—does it? Hardly ever. But if it should,—why it would give us a chance to see a little fun? Certainly. “Lam glad the grand old party has selected such a nice, clean, well-built, and honorable gentleman. So say we all. Are not all Knights very honorable? Very. They would n’t steal any hot stoves—would they? At. least, not in this weather ? No. Or lie, unless there was some money in it? Certainly not. Or write letters which would disgrace a pickpocket, un- less they thought it would be all entre nous, so to speak? No. Then I am real glad for the grand old party—are n't you? Certainly. Otherwise, would n't the grand old party experience what the vulgar call a cold day? Yes, dear. Dowry.—The dot which the bereaved widow brings to your successor. LISTEN, Y= MERRIE MAIDENS! E are indebted to the Commercial Advertiser for the following “ points,” which are derived from the experience of a certain English lady of good social position, but limited means, who for several years has been taking “clients” in need of husbands to watering-places during the season. In ten years she scores twenty-three successes and nine failures, this fisher of men. It appears that dark girls go off best in spring and autumn, and blondes at midsum- mer ; thatthe market is apt to be dull at the beginning of the season and to grow brisk toward its close ; that very young fair men like brunettes best, but veer slowly toward their lighter sisters as the fair men grow older, and that the converse is as true of very young dark men; that brunettes almost as invariably prefer fair men irrespective of age ; and that the predeliction of blondes is as commonly an opposite one; that blonde girls work off very ill in raw, coldish weather ; that to couple a fair and dark girl in walking, driving, etc., is generally, but not always, good policy, since the intended victim sometimes falls in love witli each in succession, and ends by taking neither ; auu, finally, that, while mountains and lakes prove lively incentives to flirtation at earlier periods, the seaside was decidedly stronger in the way of landing the fish as the leaves turn and the days grow shorter. Simplicity in dress is, as a rule, an encouraging factor in her business, and that either loquacity or self-asser- tion is decidly otherwise. Melodious voices, again, tell with more effect than accomplishments, and a ten- comicbooks.com