Life — May 29, 1884 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

> LIFE: OH!! Y name is “ Jacobus” G. Blaine! I hail from the backwoods of Maine ! Of my boom there is lots !! I’m a good man—in spots ! I’ve an eye on the coming campaign ! OH They say I ’ve just written a book ! (’T was put up complete by my cook ! !) And I tell you all now, That I'll kick up a row, When the White House by me has been took, FOR I ’m a most intense old man, Both sides of the fence old man, ‘Take all I can gettery, Mulligan lettery, Solid for Blaine old man ! For the Whist Player—When in doubt, take it. For the Editor—When in doubt, do n't take it. HAVE long believed Mr. Richard Grant White to be the boss snob of his time. When he wrote his last article on Shakespeare I wavered in my allegiance to Joseph Cook, whom I consider the premium wild ass of the century. However, it was only a waver—I still stick to Cook. But White is the boss snob. He perpetually stands in awe-stricken admiration of every- thing and everybody English. He cannot talk of, to, or concerning an Englishman without an attitude of enthusiastic humiliation. And he is always wishing that he were not American, but English, And I wish he were, too.— Argonaut, THE ART OF SKATING. INCE the insertion of that popular pastime known as the Festina Lente, there has been a general thirst for information upon the subject of roller skat- ing, which it is the purpose of this treatise to satisfy. There is no doubt but that the idea of skating oc- curred to the ancients. Suetonius (De slipupibus in Iceum, pp. 240-276) relates how Pompey the Great, stepping once on a banana-skin in front of the temple of Jupiter Capitolinus, glided with great rapidity down seventeen steps, landing in such a manner as to sug- gest to his retainers the propriety of carrying him home ona shutter. He then cut a hole in his hat to accom- modate the bump of wisdom he had gained by the epi- sode, and wrote upon his mantelpiece the now cele- brated treatise on the efficacy of arnica in cases of acute tumble. A century later, we are informed by Pliny, a philosopher of Herculaneum discovered that ice and asedentary position were perfectly in harmony with the principles of gravitation, as understood in those days. Sir Isaac Newton was impressed by the falling of an apple from a seventeen-foot limb upon his chin, while lying asleep under his favorite tree, but not until he had determined the velocity with which a pedestrian upon a frozen river will pause and sit down to study vivid constellations, did he arrive at an exact idea of the law which made him immortal. Certain divines have recently, after trying the inven- tion, decided that the roller-skate is a clear and con- cise invention of the devil, which must be a forerunner of the day of wrath. Without touching upon the merits of this question, we come to a discussion of the appa- ratus, as used and misused at the present day. The roller-skate consists simply of a piece of wood shaped like a casket, and mounted on four wheels like a hearse. It goes “ br-r-r-r !’" when all is well, and you are pleased. ‘Then it goes “zt /”"—and you sit down to admire the scenery. It is fastened to the foot by two buckles. When you sit down, it is your duty to adjust these buckles with a cheerful countenance, and make believe that it was due to their looseness that you stopped to rest. Sometimes, before sitting down, you kick out vio- lently at nothing with great rapidity, and the skate says “ Klacketty! slam bang! dum klicketty bang! HOW TO Do IT. Wuoor !!" Then you lie down,and it is a bad case. It is very imprudent for beginners to do the backward or cross-cut roll. Plain movements are more suitable. Those which by their simplicity are best adpated to beginners are the following : comicbooks.com