Life — May 22, 1884 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

ADVICE TO TOO PROLIFIC POETS. NE perfect line, To live and shine, Is worth far more Than pages score That live a day, Then pass away. — Youth's Companion. Yes, but—— One perfect line, To live and shine, Admired of scholars, Would be too high For those who buy, If worth $2. For pages five, That only live A day, as stated, They 'd be, who sell, Ten times as well Remunerated ! A MAN of “means” must be one of those who help to pave Hades. SHALL we go To Mexico? I dunno! Yours J.T. Ww. THE MODERN ORACLE. Ruined Customer (to smart broker): Goop Heavens, TICKER, YOU TOLD ME YESTERDAY THAT O. & T. A THOUSAND SHARES AT 40, AND HERE IT IS DOWN TO 174. Smart Broker (with a bland smile) : VERY TRUE; I DID TELL YoU THAT IT WAS A GOOD BUY; AND SO IT WAS A GOOD BYE TO YOUR MONEY ! (Ruined Customer rushes home and punishes his children.) WAS A GOOD BUY, I BoucuT Before our bonds mature they are convertible into an issue, to be made of securities covering land in the present United States which the committee count upon as being by that epoch clear of Irish by the natural law originally codified by Malthus under the theory of Kilkenny catism, or the non-survival of those who fit. We are not asking public subscriptions, and we only claim for our enterprise immunity from the scandalous and scurrilous press articles inspired doubtless by the terrors of our Irish rulers at the threatened expatri- ation of the tax-paying element. To the mere American, who simply wishes to live in peace and to be spared the horrors of war with Great Britain because the British Government insists on hanging murderers, and who does not in his Protest- ant conscience believe that the Constitution of the United States is faulty because the saloon-keeping, hod-carrying element failed to sign it, our enterprise offers the only hope of an asylum where City Halls, and Tammany Halls, and Irving Halls—to say noth- ing of the hauls of funds out of our treasuries—may not rule. Our young men might, under a British form of government, become dudes, but that is an infantile disease and curable. Our young women might develop large feet, but longer skirts would hide even that crime. But our people would thrive quite as well under British tyranny in 1892 as they do under Irish tyranny in 1884. For the Board of Directors, G. WASHINGTON PERKINS, THAT BOOK. HE latest estimate is that Mr. Blaine’s book has reached a sale of 5,000,000 copies, and his profits on it are about $25,000,000. Those who doubt this can be convinced by the statement that in Augusta, Maine, alone 2,700,000 copies have been sold. As the popula- tion of Augusta is 12,000, there is an average of 225 copies to each inhabitant. Yet the sad fact remains that not a single copy has been seen in New York. Tue showman’s sickness,—Sacred elephantiasis. “Jupirer,” said the editor, “look at that sentence ! Fourteen lines! Too long, too long!” “Well,” sighed the undertaker, “I thought it might do. It was made up for Lire!” When the interview closed the undertaker occupied one of his own coffins. BAKER Pasua says that it was “ Battle, murder and Soudan death.” comicbooks.com