Life — December 20, 1883 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

314 SUNDRY SYNONYMOUS SENTENCES. 1 1GH and dry. A thirsty giraffe, A FaLse (s)tart.—A boarding-house turn-over. A COUNTER fit,—A ready-made suit. Time to be lea(f)ving.—Spring time. A WeLcome addition.—One that gives the right answer. AU BAL. H ! sweet are the words that none can hear But the two whose lips have framed them ; A whispered “ my love,” or a soft ‘* my dear,” And a roguish glance has claimed them. But better the prudence which makes her say— As her “chaperone” edges near us— ** Now—my darling—do n't be so foolish—pray ! Or some one will certainly hear us.” ARISTOPHANES. ‘TRIPLICATE PHILOSOPHY. ’ WAS Christmas Day; the air was crisp and spark- ling. All men’s hearts were opened wide by agenial glow. All hearts, but that of England's greatest Philosopher, who sat a melancholy man in his library; his table was heaped with unreceipted bills. “ The but- cher, the baker, the candlestick-maker,” representative tradesmen, clamored for pay; his son at Oxford, des- tined for holy orders, sent a penitent letter and a list of debts, while his son John, Cowpuncher in Montana, demoralized by local color, had drawn on his governor at sight. Philosophy had been a drug upon the market that year and the Philosopher's bank account was at its lowest ebb. What should he do? An apostle of sweetness and light could not consistently go through the Bankruptcy Court. Remembering a droll legend of plantation life, a cold smile played over his lips as he murmured, “I must catch that coon; there is no meat in the house.” - LIFE “© MELANCHOLY MAN IN HIS LIBRARY.” Presently the cold smile developed into a grin, and the Poet and Philosopher sat down at his desk and wrote the following advertisement, which appeared in the morrow's Times : “WANTED. Three sad-eyed, high-browed, intellectual men, of lean habit; for foreign travel. Light work, large pay.” II. It is needless to say, that the Philosopher’s house next day was over-run with sad-eyed and intellectual men of lean habit. In fact, every kind of a man, out of employment in London, whether bullet-headed or high-browed, of gross or of lean habit, besieged the door of the Philosopher. He had never before appre- ciated the efficacy of advertising, excepting upon one occasion, when his best dog ran home of his own ac- cord before the newspaper had printed the offer of a reward for his finding. Ranging the applicants in a row, the Philosopher winnowed from the mass three men who bore a start- ling likeness to himself. he disappointed applicants departed, some with umbrellas and others with over- coats of the Philosopher. Left alone with the chosen three, he bade them sit down and having sworn them to secrecy, spoke as follows : “ Gentlemen—for since you strikingly resemble me, I may safely call you gentlemen—I have received flat- tering offers to lecture in the United States, Australia and India, during the coming season. Research has taught me that I cannot be in three places at once, and worldly wisdom dictates that I should make hay while the sun shines, For a greater Philosopher than I may arise. I have prepared three lectures, which I wrote when I was an undergraduate; the first being upon a subject of which I know very little and the world knows nothing; the second on a subject of which the world knows very little’ and I know nothing; and the third is upon a subject of which neither I, nor the world know anything whatever. I myself, shall stay at home and get needed exercise by dodging my credi- tors. I wish one of you to go the United States and impersonate me; another to Australia and the third to India. Salary, £4 a week and travelling expenses. Do you all agree ?” They all agreed and the next day departed for their respective three quarters of the globe. comicbooks.com