Life — December 6, 1883 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

CABIN LACONICS. BY BRUDDER ROMULUS. L's offen ride wile de trufe goes a-walkin’; Teamin’ prices high when de muel am a-l Lazy rooster struttin’ wile de ole hen a-layin’; Colic mighty bad in de middle ob de hayin’; Sowin’ mus’ be done 'fo’ we cum’ to de reapin’; An’ de fool jars de nes’ whar de hornet am a-sleepin’. Dus’ allus flies as de win’ am a-blowin’; ” Chicken-roos’ safes’ when de moon am a-showin’; Wise man wuckin'’ when de leabs am a-fallin’. Cow mighty skittish when de calf am a-bawlin’; Tough han's de bes’ when it comes to de choppin’; An’ de bait 's mighty skerse when de fish am a-floppin’. Little fish bite w'ile de big fish am shyin’; Little fish big fish a’ter de lyin’; "Gaiter fas’ ersleep w'ile de little darkey peepin’; "Gaiter wide erwake an’ de little darkey sleepin’; High-up ‘simmons toughes’ when it cums to de eatin’; An’ de debbil prays de loudes’ at de big camp-meetin’, Fresh eggs sinkin’ w’ile de rotten ones go floatin’; Darkey man an’ brudder on de mawnin’ ob de votin’; Dinah heap de sweetes’ w’ile she ’s roastin’ ob de ‘possum, Roses lose dar color ‘side a healthy ‘tater blossom; Coarse wooled sheep make de faires’ sort ob mutton ; An’ a nickel offen jingles wid a tin s'pender button. Bacon thinks that “life's but a span.” So it is for married people, but it’s single harness for bachelors, beyond a doubt. A MODERN INSTANCE. [The author begs leave to inform Mr. W. D. Howells that there are a thousand and one ‘‘ modern ‘instances;” this one, for in- stance.] Cuapter I. “He knuckled a nickel with 'n accurate knack."—Acy Sunburn, URDENED with hereditary wealth, Nature had consoled Jack Sympleton for this misfortune by giving him no brains whatsoever, which oversight on her part had never been remedied in spite of the efforts of Mr. Sympleton, sire, and various college pro- fessors. It was found that there was no degree worthy of Sympleton’s acquirements, and conversely his acquirements were worthy of no degree. Neverthe- less the young gentleman admirably harmonized his natural abilities with his occupation in life and fol- lowed the profession of a gentleman of fashion. Twenty-five years had seen Sympleton’s delicate hands cased in his trousers pockets, not allowing for the period he was sheltered in petticoats, when one bright poetic spring day he was struck by an idea. The shock was so unexpected that it rendered him - LIFE: more senseless than usual, but collecting himself he calmly reflected : “Yes! it must be, old man!” he said, addressing himself to the mirror, as he carefully knotted his tie. “Tt must be.. You ’re in love, old fellow; you ’re in love. Let me-congratulate you,” and he- shook his own hand with delight. “But hold on,” he said, pausing, a little discomfited at his own exuberancy. “ Here ’s a pretty.go.. Who the deyil are: you in love with—eh ?” > - A natural question for a man of Sympleton’s attrac- tions, surrounded by objects of ready-made love and beauty ; a natural question in our days of cheap manu- facture, when. beauty lies within reach of the poorest, and the rouge-pot and powder-brush are as freely em- ployed by Joan the cook as my lady. I do not wish to infer that Mr. Sympleton was in love with the cook. Far from it. The gentleman certainly had sound ideas concerning the desirability of domestic virtues in woman, but he did not seek them in the exagger- ated stage reached in his cook. But we neglect the gentleman. The hesitation was only momentary. “T have it!” he exclaimed, and meditatively ex- tracted a coin from his silken purse. “ Deucedly awkward for a fellow like me to have to choose from so many, though. Let ‘s see. There 's Virginia Columbine—and Hebe Coy, and—what 's her name ? —oh! “Diana Bluestock. That 's enough to start with. Flip ’s the word, Head ’s for Virgie and tail ’s for Hebe. Tail it is!) That's Hebe,” he said, as he chased the coin across the room. : “Now, then, once more. Head's for Miss Blue- stock. By Jove, she’s got me,” he said, examining the coin and finding it in favor of Diana. “She knows a lot of things—she knows Latin and Greek—but she can 't do her own hair,” he solilo- quized ; but this latter objection seemed of minor im- portance in the eyes of his consuming passion, and Jack Sympleton never trusted to his own judgment in any° matter whatsoever, for he knew that Fate or Chance could not be so blind as he. Cuapter II. “And what do you propose, sir?"—‘ To marry you, madam, that is my proposal.” Old Play, (Author unknown.) HE same afternoon Sympleton drove up to Mr. Bluestock's residence and was quickly ushered into the parlor. Mr. Bluestock, be it said by way of explanation, had not enough ofthe public’s confidence or dollars to hold the position of president of a bank or director of arailroad; the fame of his grandfather had been carefully inverted at a paying rate and returned a sufficient income to support even the third and fourth generations. It seems that his grandfather, John Bluestock had pronounced in our national legislature many years since a speech on the “ Domestic Manu- comicbooks.com