Life — December 6, 1883 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

* LIFE: tune, to ENGLAND'S paupers—provided only that he or one of his tribe has just a wee bit of a small corner in the Big BLUE Book we all of us worship. And how consummately proud and happy we are when we have made such match, and how the rest of our ff Society cackles over the happy pair, and how envy gets in its fine work on the unhappy families whose daughters have n't had the luck or good management to decoy some ENGLISHMAN in ff brindle cheviot into proposing, but Aave had the bad taste to marry a real and therefore low-flung American. Ah, we have a great deal of self-respect and true pride—we American ARISTO- cRATS, We know our real value, Besides all this, we have endeavored in our customs, dress, pronunciation and manner to obliterate as far as possible the di- viding line between the two nations. As befits our spirit of humility, we choose to imitate ENGLAND's worst in this, not her best. We select Liverpool cads as our models for manly grace and dignity, and Manchester dowdies as patterns for our women. As we do not allow our coachman to remove his hat when he salutes us or our friends, so humble we, to please great ENGLAND, copy her most boorish manners and lamest graces. We might otherwise impress her with the idea we thought ourselves her equal. How maddening, therefore, this imbecile uprising of the LowER CLAssEs to joyfully celebrate a day which to us is a day of black- est mourning. The first thought with all of us was: ‘‘ What will ENGLAND and our ENGLISH friends think of this brutal glee?” Our second thought was to testify our disapproval by draping our doors with the cross of St. Georce, and trimming our lintels with small rampant lions; but unfortunately a third thought ob- truded itself, to the effect that the Lower CLasses might not like it. We have, you know, to affect a certain respect for the Lower Casses’ opinions, even if we despise their persons; for the disapproval of the Lower Crasses, when it takes the form of invalid eggs and other decayed missiles, is unpleasant, Our fourth thought, therefore, was best. It was to refuse to aid the Lower Ctassts in their ill-mannered and boisterous merriment, and to refuse to deck our houses with those hated colors which call up disagreeable memories to our, beloved ENGLisH friends. This we did, Several of our ENGLIsH trades persons, who honor us by condescending to stay on this side of the water and make money out of us, showed their appreciation of our timely sympathy by imitating us. One firm stated that it was “not in sympathy with the movement,” and another that it was ** opposed to it.” We should be very grateful to them for this snub to our Lower CLasses and to our grandfathers. It was ENGLISH to the last degree, and we should not forget to honor it. One of our millionaires frugally forgot to hang out a banner on his outer wall. Why should he hang one out? True, the sweat of the Lower CLasses built his fortune, and it was under the shadow of their flag and the protection of their laws his father rose from their ranks. Besides, if he did hang one out, would it not have been a truckling to a nation, a government and senti- ments which are radically and villainously opposed to us aristocrats and our pretensions? Shall we, who are doing our best to incul- cate monarchial principles, pollute our thresholds with the vile emblem of universal suffrage ?, What would become of our pride if we did? No, no. We have to swallow a good deal of humble pie, administered by our ENGLIisH friends, who ride over us rough-shod pretty often, and we can only soothe our soul by tak- ing it out of our own Lower CLasses ; just as our butler, when Paterfamilias (examining candidate who has applied Sor position of Butler): AND WHY DID YOU LEAVE YOUR LAST PLACE? Candidate: Wet, | HALN'T LEFT AS YET; THE WORK IS LIGHT AND GENTEEL, BUT RATHER SOLLUM, An’ I poNn'T THINK I SHOULD MIND A CHANGE. Peterfamilias: AND WHAT ARE YOUR DUTIES, PRAY? Candidate: | KEEPS THE MORGUE DOWN BY THE RIVER, SIR. we have berated him in the dining-room, will descend to the kitchen and work off his injury by a scathing satire on the cook, The same gentleman has very properly refused to loan his pic- tures to the horde of Lower Ciass sympathizers, who wish to disgrace our chosen city with a statue of Liberty, which some misguided French persons, thinking we took some pride in our 6 form of government, have offered us. What do we want with that bronze effigy? or with what it represents? or with the com- pliment and sympathy it expresses? Pah! If England, now, our dear, old MoTHER CountRY, whom we aristocrats are dread- fully sorry our grandfathers thrashed—if ENGLAND will only give us a colossal image of George III.—ah, ¢here is something we could and would worship, gild, and sing psalms to. Why, we will guarantee, if ENGLAND will only melt down a few of her sons in this country to furnish the necessarily immense quantity comicbooks.com