Life — September 20, 1883 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

- LIFE: The click of the “ticker” mingled with the renewed chorus of oaths and fractions, when Shearum turned and beheld Agnus standing in the room, “Hello! Fatuus, how are you? Want me?” Agnus explains that he wants to learn the ropes, and gets condensed information thus : “ Fellows at the Board trade in crowds. S'pose you give me an order to buy a hundred St. Peter at three. Snorter or some other pad-shover gives out the order. His man goes into the St. Peter crowd and buys it, gives us up, delivery is made here, goes into your ac- count, you sell it out at four and a quarter—covering brokerages both ways—and you make one per cent. clean at once if it's bought and sold regular.” “Then there are irregularities sometimes in the business?” asks Agnus. “ How d’ ye mean ?” “Why, you said I would make something if it was all regular.” “Oh, thunder!" exclaims Shearum. “I meant if it was bought and sold regular way ; not bought seller three or sold buyer three. You see, don’t you ?” Agnus lied, and said “‘ Yes.” Shearum then remarked, “Oh! it’s simple enough when you understand it. Why, I've known young fel- lers come down here and go to tradin’, and know it all in a week.” N. B.—Shearum omitted to go on and state what they knew at the end of a month. “Then,” said Agnus, “all I have to do is what you say to make one per cent.?” Shearum assented “ Providing the market goes right.” “And everything goes regular, as you call it,” re- marked Agnus. ‘‘ By the way, how much #s one per cent.?” Shearum looked at him fixedly for a moment, then spat at the nearest cuspidor, and said sententiously, “What did you say?” “T merely asked what one per cent. was.”" Shearum had got himself together, and he replied, “Why, one point of course. Don't you see?” “Yes,” answered Agnus, looking at Shearum’s watch-chain for fear of catching his eye, “I see, but how much does that give me ?” “Why, it's as plain as the nose on your face. Sup- pose you pick up roo St. Peter at 3, and pass it out at 4%, an eighth each way makes you take just a hun- dred. Of course interest is n't counted, but that don't amount to anything unless there’s a squeeze, you know, and then it wouldn’t likely be more than an eighth for carrying. You understand now, don't you?” 2a! (Zo be continued.) Mr. Isaacs, OXGUSE ME, BUT HOW TID YOU GET OF DOSE VINE GLODINGS ? VROM DER RAILTROAT, Mr. KUPFENHEIMER. DER RAILTROAT ! Yas, Mr. KuPFENHEIMER, MY LEETLE PENCHA- MIN, HE VAS GILT IN DER GONEY ISLAND GRUSH DOO MONTS AGO; AND SOI sENTS MY MODDE TOWN PY DER LonG ISLAND DRAIN E UNT LAST VEEK SHE VAS SMASH UP IN DER GOL- Lision, DER BOLICY BAYS, Mr. KUPFENHEIMER. I HAVE A LARCH VAMILY. A MODERN FABLE. A DOG, on a warm summer day, lay down in the Shade, and soon fell asleep. He was Awakened by the Noise of a huge Bull approaching his shady resting-place. “ Get up,” said the bull, “and let me Lie down there!” “No,” replied the Dog, “you have no Right to the place ; I was here First.”” “ Well,” said the bull, looking Innocently at the dog, but with a ferocious Twinkle in his left Eye, which made the dog's spinal Column run cold and his lower Jaw give way, “let-us Toss up for it.”” “Thank you,” said the dog Politely, “I never Gamble,” and he walked Away. Mora: Virtue has its own reward. comicbooks.com