Life — September 6, 1883 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

116 POPULAR SCIENCE CATECHISM. Lesson XIII.—The Sabbath bell. HAT is this? ‘This, darling, is a sweet and holy Sabbath bell. Tt seems to be large. Yes, dear, it weighs about six tons. My! then it must be capable of some notse? Some little noise—yes, dear. But who ts the solemn old gentle- man working the rope in that per- Sunctory way? He is the pastor of the church that owns the bell, darling. But I never knew that pastors rang bells. Well, he has dyspepsia, and he is trying by exercise to work it off. And who ts that poor gentleman tn bed? He is a quiet and orderly citizen who now lives near the church, He seems to be exetted? Yes, for a week he has been under treatment for in- somnia, hyperesthesia, neuralgia and a few other diseases, and is threatened with angina pectoris and loco-motor-ataxis. Well? Well, his doctor told him his only hope was in “ absolute quiet.” Well? Well, to secure “absolute quiet" he moved next door to the parson’s house. Gracious! And got under the big bell? Apparently so, my precious. But does the poor, benevolent, humane and christian pastor know what suffering his bell is causing ? He does. Then why does he ring it? Because bell-ringing is “a good old custom.” > LIFE: But burning witches, racking heretics, travelling by ox-team and treating small-pox with sulphur and onions were good old customs too. Yes, dear. But several centuries ago bells were used tq call people to church, But people nowadays have watches? Yes. ‘And clocks? Certainly. And church advertisements and pious time-tables in the wicked morning papers? Of course, darling. Then every body who wants to go to church knows just when to go, without all that metallic fuss? Certainly. Then why the pendulous uproar? To punish those lazy sinners who criminally overwork themselves during the week and are hardened enough to want to sleep Sundays. Oh! then it is a penal institution? Slightly. But that poor nervous invalid who is catching the devil: awill he not die? Unless he has “absolute quiet,” he will. Cannot his friends find a quieter place for him than between the parson's house and the church? Oh, yes. Where? Between a summer garden and a boiler factory. APHORISMS. By ‘* Woopcuuck Pete.” ONVERSATION doan’ show wot a man knows enny mo’ dan de cacklin’ ob a hen am a criterium ob de size ob an eR. Some men am dat mean dey ain’t nebber gib nuffin’ away, ‘cept de measles. DE greatest misfortune dat ebber happen to de worl’ am dat de Efiopian can ‘t change de color ob his skin. Facts am de chief marrow of eddication. "Tain't wot a man doan’ learn dat makes him ign’rant, but wot he forgits. Sence cullid folks doan’ nebber tan, why do mos’ ob de ladies carry parasols ? You can't keep sin out de house by boltin’ de do’ wid good resolutions, ebbil ‘ll bust off dem bolts. Ep a man will loaf, it's mo’ ‘spectable to stan’ roun’ de bank corner. Doan’ nebher gib yourse'f away by settin’ on de steps ob a lager-beer saloon. De boy dat robs hen-roosts will nebber lib to be president ob de United States, unless he swops off his soul wid de milk- peddler dat puts ha’f a pint ob water in ebery quart ob skimmed milk, FLossory won't fill a man's stummick no way you kin fix it, In de sum'r time a brack man kin lib out do's, an’ flossofy am de umberella dat keeps de sun off, But in de winter, wen de freemometer am ‘leben degrees below de bulb an’ kin'lin’ wood am skeerce an’ hard to git, flossofy won't keep de chill off, nor buy all de ham an’ bacon aman kin eat wen he feels hollec- like ober de diafram. comicbooks.com