Life — August 30, 1883 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

-LIFE- Union Souare THEATRE. VERA; OR, THE NIMILIST, OSCAR WILDE. “cc M Y FRIENDS," said the editor, as he Janguidly glanced over a missive which an attendant had just placed on the richly inlaid table which was close to the editorial side, ‘I havea treat in store for one of you. Don't all speak at once, Who will go to the first night of Oscar Wilde's play?” The artist raised his head from his drawing board on which it had been lying in slumberous attitude, and feverishly put ina now, face all out of drawing. The rhymster squirmed uneasily in he man of business who had come in the sanctum to match pennies actually left one of those coins behind him, so rapid was his rush into his den, and not a word was uttered. Some one will have to go,” resumed the editor. “ Where's the critic?” asked the artist with a sneer, for the “In England, instructing the Saturday Keview staff on the Geogra- phy ‘of His Native Land.’" his seat. critic had once found fault with one of his illustrations, ** You're fond of the theatre yourself, aren't you?” asked the thymster suggestively. “T have an appointment with my dentist and therefore I can- not go,"” responded the editor with dignity. “Well, I've just bought a house,” grunted the artist irrele- vantly. “ And I've got a sick friend,” chimed in the rhyming one. ay no more, gentlemen. I see you are both disposed to shirk your just responsibilities, There is only one course open tous. We must send the Fetish.” “Who is the Fetish?" asked the rhyming genius who had been on a prolonged vacation. “Our new office-boy,” replied his chief. John; surname unknown, Definition of Fetish—a wooden idol. John is wooden, also idle. Fetish 1" The youth who answered the summons stuck a bullet head close cropped to a bluish tint inside the door and ejaculated, ** Did yer call? ‘ ‘Yes, Fetish, I did” replied the chief, and proceeded to give minute instructions as to the duty that had devolved on the junior member of the staff. A slight hitch occurred, due to the fact that the Fetish instantly demanded an increase of wages, shorter hours, and double pay for night work. The case was put to arbitration and resulted in the stupid returning on a promise of a quarter for every performance he attended. The following report was handed in by the Fetish next day:— “ The play ain't worth going ter see. There ain’t but twodeaths “ Christian name in it and them’s snide ones. Dere’s on’y one gal in the hull play and she ain'tmuch. This is how de play goes. The gal’s brother, who's a reg'lar way-down galoot, comes in with the cops in de fust act, an’ makes his sister swear a solemn affydavy to avenge him. An’ she swears like a good ‘un, Then she turns up agin in de nex’ act dressed fit ter kill an’ has a row about her feller with a lot of toughs, who want to slug him when de cops come in agin and her feller says he's the son of the Shah of Roosher. In the nex’ act her feller has a row wid his ole maw an’ his ole man gives him pepper an’ sticks his head out of de winder an’ gets shot and an ‘ole chump tells his son as he's the emperor. Then the gal, in anoder dress, turns up among the toughs and swears as how she’s going to knife her feller ‘cos he’s gone back on her, and in the nex’ act she gets inter the room where he ’s sleepin’ on a sofy and is going to knife him when he wakes, so she sticks herself an’ chucks the knife outer the winder. Thet’s all dere wuz to it and it was bloomin’ rot, an’ as I come out I met Chim- mie Moriarty, and Chimmie said as how he ‘d got half a dollar for yellin’ for Oscar from the gallery, an’ I want half a dollar ‘cos I yelled too.” This report being hardly of a nature to be understood of the people, the critic was cabled to but did not reply. The following, however, was received on a postal card:— “ Got back last night. Went to see Véra, Dull, undramatic, platitudinous, perilously close to indecency and blasphemy. Stage- setting cheap, tawdry and incorrect. Dresses ditto. Oscar will find that cutting his hair has caused his strength (in the way of drawing a gaping crowd) to depart from him, Send this month's salary to Newport.” H.T. ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS, APT. RHODES, Niagara.—Your plan is good but should be reversed. You should first swim the whirlpool your- self, and thus ascertain if it would be safe for the dog. Oscar W.—Certainly, dear boy, the critics were wrong—they alveays are, “All your play needs is revision. “Re-write the acts put in new scenery and get a few fresh characters, and it will be a success if it succeeds, Davip D.—You are wrong. The statement that over 209,- 000,000,000 tons of freight were handled in this country during the year had no reference to your recent Southern trip. Victoria, Osborne.—1. Yes, Tennyson's refusal to write a poem to John Brown is a proof that he is not a true poet. 2. Whom can we recommend? Hon. A. M. Childs, Philadelphia. J. G. BLatne.—Do we not consider your book unique of its kind? Certainly. Carlyle, at his best, wrote nothing like it; nothing, James, we assure you. Joun Roacn, care Robeson. — You are right. Do not race with his yacht.’ As you say, you can only get yourself or the country into trouble. If his yacht should blow up, or founder, or run ashore, or catch fire, or collide, what would the Western Union do? And if you, John, should have an accident, as you are certain to have, judging from the ships you have built, why think what grief and loss you would entail upon Mr. Robeson ! No, John, go slow. Four miles an hour with the tide is what you have allowed our swift men of war, and gracious’ sake, John, it is too late in the day to lose your reputation. CuesTer A. A., Yellowstone Park.—1. Sorry we cannot pub- lish your fish story. 2. How is the country getting on? Slowly, Chester, slowly, but as yet it has n't given us much trouble. comicbooks.com