Life — August 9, 1883 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

-LIFE- A FUTURE STATESMAN. Mamma (trying to untangle a skein of silk that Charlie has tangled): I WONDER WHERE THE END OF THIS SKEIN CAN BE. Charlie (innocently): PERHAPS THE BABY CHAWED IT OFF. HINTS TO YOUNG DUELLISTS. “HE young man who is yearning to see his name in head lines, cannot yearn that proud distinc- tion better, in these days, than by trying an appeal to the “Code of Honor.” It is one of the easiest and safest avenues to glory. In no other way can he so avenue sense of his importance thrust upon him, and the following suggestions, duelly followed, will insure celebrity for years. Having selected an eligible party, whose name shall accompany your own in history, you must first provoke a quarrel with him, ‘There are several ways of effect- ing this. One is, to call your mana liar. The dis- advantage of this plan is that he may know your re- mark to be true, and hence abstain from discussing it. Perhaps the most infallible method is to pull his nose for all it is worth. That may not be much, but then it is all the worth for him. You should take it between your thumb and forefinger, and, after giving it a gentle twist to the right, lean back with it in a graceful atti- tude. It is not an easy mattitude do this properly. You cannot practise it on your own nose before a glass, and none but your dearest friends would allow you to experiment upon theirs. You should not surge’ back upon it as if you had hold of a night bell, neither should you toy with it in an ineffective, unmeaning manner. A little practice with a corkscrew and a brandy bottle will give you the spirit of the thing. A great deal depends on the $ize and shape of the organ, as well as the size and weight of the organ-blower. In some cases a pair of small gas tongs (No. oo) will be of service, and the true son of chivalry will never allow himself to be found unprovided with these. Attention to all these details is imperative, as it must be borne in mind that the fullest description of every incident will be demanded by an anxious public. When you release his nose, and his head flies back to its proper position, your enemy, if he has the in- stincts of a gentleman, will tender you his card, ob- serving thata friend of his will wait upon you at dinner. You should accept his card with all courtesy, even if you want nothing in his line, and should wait with proper dignity until your patronage is further solicited. In the meantime, you must get a friend to act as “second” for you. Not a second should be lost in this matter. The seconds are so called because they are expected to be on hand to the minute, They at- tend to the really important work of the duel. They select the ground for the picnic, hire the cabs, and furnish the statements to the daily papers. In the old days, a couple of surgeons were also necessary, but modern progress has entirely done away with them. The choice of weapons lies with you, but you need not hesitate a moment. Broadswords (X calibre) used to be the safest, but they are now considered bad form —bad for many reasons. Besides, they make the broadsword so absurdly narrow in these days that only a living skeleton would feel any degree of safety be- hind one. You should choose the greensward—and pistols. Pistols are the only proper things, and the “toy” variety is the deadliest of its kind. It’s kind of dangerous, but if you wish to be considered in ear- nest, you must name the latter. You should take the opportunity to examine one carefully, so that you may be able to talk intelligently of it, afterward. You have now nothing to do but write a few letters (leaving copies at home for the papers), pack a hand- bag, and set your alarm at 4:15. Your second, if he is a man of any resource, and the reporters, will do all the rest. In the morning, you have simply to jump into your cab with your friend, and slam the door. That is the way with evil doors. Up to this point there is but one course to follow, but for a happy termination of the affair a certain lati- tude is allowed, provided you do n’t go too far South, and you may exercise your own judgment somewhat. You may either get lost on the way, mistake the ren- dezvous, get arrested, be persuaded by your friends, in the interest of public morality, to desist from your bloody design, or be carried out to sea ina fog. Any of the fog going will be allowed. Sometimes, however, by the stupidity of a second, comicbooks.com