Life — July 26, 1883 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

EMBARRASSING. De Payne (who has donned his Knickerbockers for a call at the neighboring hotel): My GooD MAN, CAN YOU TELL ME IF I'M ON THE RIGHT ROAD TO THE SUNNYSIDE PAVILION ? Native: Yes, STRANGER, YOU BE, BUT YE’D BET- TER ROLL DOWN YER PANTS REFORE YE COME IN SIGHT OF THE HOUSE, ‘COS YE MOUGHT SHOCK THE WIMIN FOLKS. THE SEASON AT NOODLEPORT. (PROM OUR SOCIETY CORRESPONDENT.) OODLEPORT is the gayest of the gay this season in spite of the general exodus to Europe and tightness of the money market. When your corre- spondent arrived here a week ago he registered himself at the Oshun House as the Society Correspondent of Lire and before twenty-four hours had elapsed he was the recipient of invitations to Mrs. Browne- Smythe’s Ball, Hon. Percy Fitznoodle’s Tennis Party, and a Clam Bake under the auspices of the Noodle- port Dude Association. The proprietors of the Hotels express themselves as satisfied with the number of unpaid bills at their disposal and seem to be resigned to receiving payment in the shape of dog-carts and bob-tailed overcoats at eighty cents on the dollar. It is stated on good authority that the Casino Corporation is backing a bill in the Rhode Island legislature making these articles legal tender in the State. Tradesmen say that business is brisk and by next summer it is thought that Noodleport will be rich enough in outside debts to start a rival Casino, where any one can drink behind a bar without the disgrace of having his or her name put on a slate. I of course accepted the very kind invitations of Mrs. Browne-Smythe, the Dude Association and Hon. Fitznoodle for his Lawn Tennis party. The latter, as a member of the British Aristocracy who is now here playing the butterfly to the nets of several anxious Mammas, remarked, “was quite—aw—a— ‘++ LIFE: wacket, doncher know.” The Clam Bake was amusing in the extreme as several Dudes were mixed up in the clams and could not be distinguished, giving rise to many laughable situations. The affair par excellence, however, was Mrs, Browne- Smythe’s Ball. It was one of the first of the season and as Mrs, Parvenu remarked “ went off with great élaire.” \ suppose this expression is synonymous with taking the cake, but of course this latter vulgarism is not extensively used by the upper ten, who, by the way, amount to several thousand in this delightful resort. Tomkatti’s orchestra furnished the music for Mrs. Smythe, and Grubbini informs me that he furnished “ze food for ze adverteezmong !” Among the distinguished guests present were the Hon. Pelham George Pelham, M.P. of Come-off-Quick, England ; Lord James-Augustus-Wayup-Moneybags ; His Excellency Very-Starchy Bey; His Grace the Duke of Scape-grace and daughter, Lady Bandoline Grace-Scape-grace of Grace-Court, Devonshire ; Mr. Fredie-Fredie Gabhard who has recently arrived with his Yacht Ontick ; The Misses Babystare; Hon. Mr. and Mrs. McMackerel, of Front St., Cal.; Gen. Deli- very and Lady ; Countess Outré ; the Marquis and Marchioness di ‘Tuttifrutti-Vermicelli ; Ex-Senator Whoopemup of Colorado; Mr. J. St. Clair Brown of New York; Commodore Farragut Nelson Tubbs of the N. Y. D.U.D.E. Y. C.; the Misses Thompkynsse of “the Heights,” Brooklyn ; Judge Sudden Lynch of Kansas City ; Prof. Bighead Grinder who lately received the degree of P.D.Q. for expeditious work in stopping a rush at Yowl College; Mrs. Somebody from Somewheres-on-Sound ; General Inglehart Boo- jum, who informs me that his rank was obtained by heroic conduct during the Pennsylvania Rail-Road riots in 1877, when, as a brakeman on a freight train he allowed his car to run over and instantly kill six strikers, for which performance he was made General Ticket Agent at Kalamazoo. His immense fortune was amassed during his six weeks term in Congress last winter. Here I must again digress to quote that estimable lady Mrs. Parvenu who says that “them Boojums is very autocratic, for they came over on the Cauliflower and landed at Plymouth Church,” which remark caused your correspondent to suggest that to land their vessel the Pilgrims had to “ Beecher.” The beautiful Madame Gonez who was known at Keyport last summer as Mrs. Jones was also present with her magnificent collection of Koh-i-noors. Mrs, Grundy says that Count Grabem and the Marquis de Bowstreet who have been so attentive to the Madame of late are nothing but detectives hired to look after the lady's jewels, and acting on the principle that it “takes a thief to catch a thief Madame G. has employed two Parisian Noblemen to look after her Parisian diamonds. The Hostess looked charmingly in her shrimp pink satin coiffure with shad rose trimming. She wore Hunter’s Point lace and a circlet of pearls imported by her brother-in-law Mr. John Smith, from Oyster Bay. comicbooks.com