Life — June 7, 1883 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

- LIFE: POPULAR SCIENCE CATECHISM. Lesson I.—French Flats. HAT is a French flat like? It is like an edition of the Cen- tury magazine. Why like an edition of the Cen- tury magazine? Because there are about seven- teen continued stories to each number. But there isn't much in the con- tinued stories of the Century maga- sine, No, my child. Then French flats must be very dry. They are, darling. Are they very high? Oh, yes! Some of them are as high as $12,000 a year. Have they good walls? Massive, my precious. There are ten-story flats in this city whose walls are at least fourinches thick, and so solid you couldn't think. But do not French flats some- times take fire? Never more than once. Why? Does the poor proprietor \ do anything to preventa second fire tn that same flat? Oh, yes! Well, what? He collects the insurance money and builds another French flat. Oh! Does a French flat ever burn down? No, dearest, never. It burns up. When a French flat ison fire in the basement, how ts it with people in the upper stories? They are uncomfortable. What do they do? They wish they were out of it. Can they get out? Oh, yes! Easily. Well, how? They can either jump from the roof or fly out of the window. Can many people fly? Not many. Then most people have to jump. Yes, they have to either jump or fry. Does tt hurt them to jump? Nobody knows. Why? Because those who have jumped were very reticent afterwards. Are French flats fashionable? Yes, very. Why are they fashionable? Because they are expensive. Why are they expensive? 273 Because they are fashionable. Are any French flats fireproof? Oh, yes! They are all fireproof. But you said that some of them have burned down? No; I said some of them have burned up. Then those were not fireproof? No; those which burned were not strictly fireproof. Which are fireproof, then? Those which have not yet been burned. Will the poor agents say their flats are fireproof? They will swear to it. How will they explain themselves after a fire? They will blame the poor builder, What will the poor builder do? He will blame the poor architect. What will the poor architect do? He will leave it to the poor coroner. What will the poor coroner do? He will say it was the act of God Are French flats healthy? Yes, very. Are the people in them healthy? No. Why? They have to starve and go half naked to pay the rent. Why are these flats called French flats? To distinguish them from American flats. What are American flats? The people who live in French flats. JUDKINS’ Boy. OX a pore boy was red-hedded, and got mad at the other boys when they'd throw it up to him, And when they'd laugh at his nd hed, fer. light, er wasn’t he afeard he'd singe his orto wear a tin hat; er pitend to warm their hands by him, —w'y sometimes the red-hedded boy'd git purty hot indeed, and onc't he told another boy that was a-bafflin’ him about his red hair that ef he was him he'd git a fine comb and go to canvassin’ his own hed, and then he'd be liabul to sceer up a more livelier subjeck to talk about than red hair! And then the other boy says, "You're a liar!” And that got the red-hedded boy into more trouble; for his old man whipped him shameful’ fer breakin’ up soil with the other boy. And this here red-hedded boy had freckles, too, And warts. And nobody ortu’t to a-jumpt onto him fer that! Ef anybody was a red-hedded boy they'd have also warts and freckles—and jist red hair's tad enough if Onc't another boy told him ef he was him he bet he could ae a big da fone begun ht! And when he sed period says * How ?” w'y the other ie says ‘Easy enough ! I'd jist march around bare bedded. in the torch-light: proesalon f” -*" Yes, 60 would !” says the red-hedded boy, and pasted him one witha shinny-club, and got dispelled from school ‘cause he was so high-tempered and im- pulsive. Ef Iwas the red-hedded boy I'd be a pirut ; but he always said he was going to be a baker. comicbooks.com