Life — May 17, 1883 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

-> LIFE: BIOGRAPHETTE. XV. HENRY BERGH. “THIS cruel persecutor was born in the Cuckoo Islands, 1832, and was descended from the Antarctic Ice Berghs, a family often mentioned by the explorer Cook. Cook drifted on the islands during a later voyage, and the Cuckoo Cooks cooked Cook. In 1867 Bergh emigrated to this City, and immediately entered upon the ferocious career for which he has since been noted. He was especially averse to the lower animals, and or- ganized a society whose object was to prevent their being treated well by their masters, Car horses, for instance, like to pull fifteen ton cars nineteen hours out of the twenty-four, and the humane companies were kindly disposed to let them doit. The ruthless Bergh, however, compelled the abridging of three hours of pleasure to the poor brutes, until now they are only allowed about eight hours of out-door pastime. Again, nothing pleases a dog so much, during August, as to be shut up in a pound four days without food or water, and the city authorities used to please all the dogs they could lay their hands upon. The cruel Bergh interposed, and now the impounded dogs are compelled to eat loathsomely wholesome food and drink clean, cool water, and are chloroformed to the sound of hand-organs and sweet cymbals, There is one ill-used animal, the biped,’ in which, the public wish Mr. Bergh would take more interest. How many ounces go to a dog pound? Ir you wii let the children play with the chessmen, you must not complain if they turn out to be pawn- brokers. ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. NION CLUBBER: If you want to have a really and truly duel, of course you must first insult him, There are two kinds of insult—the mild and the severe. By all means try the mild insult first. Walk up to yourman in a swaggering, offensive way, jam your heel on his corns, pull his nose, butt him in the pit of the stom- ach, and then sit down on him and tell him he lies. This course, pur- sued with people of high temper, will usually lead up to the prelimi- naries of a quarrel. If it fails—try the severe method—tell him you suspect he writes verses for the Century, for instance. ¢ best weapons are swords at ten paces. Pistols loaded with but- ter are also reliable. The old method, by which both belligerents took a dose of cold poison, and then flipped a nickel for a stoniach pump, is one said to give great satisfaction, but is somewhat dangerous. MARK T.—We couldn't think of publishing your joke. Send it to General Cesnola for his collection of antiquities, WILLIAM H. V.—We answer your questions sertatim :—(1.) No: ‘The value of a picture is not determined by the price paid for it, but by the amount it is really worth, (2.) The artist you mention is not really an ‘* old master” because he is 85 years of age and teaches for aliving. His paintings would therefore not be valuable except from their intrinsic merit. (3.) Yes, you are quite right in going abroad and making your purchase before the heavy tariff goes into effect. Econo- my 75 the road to wealth, as you say. Hesry B-RoH.—Your ideais certainly a good one. It is often a real pleasure for a dog to lunch off a man’s leg, and as the cruel. muz- 2le prevents this innocent pastime, your society should by all means abolish its use. Your proposition to bobtail all horses to keep the flies from being annoyed by them, is equally humane. RuTHERFORD B. H.—(1), The proper proportion is one lemon to two glasses of Scotch whiskey. (2). In case you see those blue monkeys with pink tails again, consult a physician. (3). We cannot see any harm in announcing yourself asa candidate for 1884, if you have your wife's permission. McCosn, of Princetox.—(1.) You are right. If A is blind and you straddle, you take the age until after the draw. (2.) If he opened the jack-pot it was certainly his first bet after the draw, and you had aright to raise him. The pot was therefore yours. Freppie G.—(1.) He was first President of the United States. (2.) The most sensible thing to do when it rains is to come in, (3.) A primer contains the information you desire. Otiver W. H.—Your tender poem has been carefully filed away in the waste basket. It is too rich, EASY INSTRUCTION FOR YOUTH. Litt Le jobs of “ water” And grains of “salted” sand Make the mighty fortune For beauteous heiress-hand. Coutp the pitcher of a base-ball team be spoken of as “the power behind the thrown.” _ SUPERFLUOUS INFORMATION—that Peck’s Bad Boy is by the author of Peck’s Milwaukee Son. Lire’s advice to young people in Massachusetts who, rich only in each other's hearts, are about to marry : “ Think of Tewksbury.” Tue Sweet Singer of Michigan wants to die in June, like her brother poet, Bryant, When we reflect how dismally distant June is, and how fecund is the Sweet Singer, this aspiration of Julia seems like a cruel pro- crastination. comicbooks.com