Life — May 10, 1883 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

BIOGRAPHETTE. XIV, JAMES BEN-GORDON. AMES BEN-GORDON necessarily inherited vast wealth, his father having been an editor. He appeared first as a single sheet extra, double leaded pica and of pink complex- ion, and there was only one of him issued, price two cents, Upon reaching his majority, little Jimmie, as he was then called, was suddenly summoned to executive control of the entire estate. Being of frugal disposition he carefully deposited the revenues accruing each month in yachts, fast horses and other securities, of which he holds an enormous amount to this day. He likewise reorganized the staff of the periodical he inherited, and devoted his own tremendous talents to the editing of the personal column on the front page, which soon became famous all over the civilized world. A corps of foreign correspondents was likewise organized by him in this city, and they daily send cablegrams of column length from the city editor’s room to th: office of the managing editor, giving the particulars of inter- views with crowned heads all over Europe, Asia and Harlem. ‘This enormous expense is incurred cheerfully by Mr. Ben-Gordon, and he certainly leads the world in this enterprise. His explorations in Central Africa, by deputy, and his inves- tigations of the North Pole, by able substitutes, have given him a reputation for daring which is peerless, In naval architecture, however, he won most fame, His last yacht was really the work of his own hands, for while a few deserving artisans drew her lines and hammered her planks together, he did the rest himself, drawing his checque unaided. He was likewise celebrated for a duel fought in two States simultaneously—he being in New Jersey and his opponent in Yonkers while the fatal shots were exchanged, C -LIFE- A DEFECTIVE SOCIETY REPORTER. SCENE IN EpITorIAL RooMs OF THE KALAMAz00 Kalominer, J GROWLER, Managing Editor, to City Editor: ‘Say, * Smith! What asinine idiot did you send over to Jenkins’ last night, to ‘do iat that private maiqiemde las “ Let me see! hy, the new man, DeCourcy, I believe.” “Send the monumental ass to my room when he comes in; I want to see him.” Half an hour later, DeCourcy arrives from reporting a dog- fight out in the country (the Sporting Editor having gone to a slug- ging match), and with fear and trembling, approaches the inner Sanctum. ‘*See here, Mr. DeCorsets! I want to know what you mean by sending in copy of this kind.” The ‘‘new man™ mildly corrected the pronunciation of his cognomen, and asked what was the matter with his work. “* What's the matter? why, Hades and Demnition! Read it, man, read it! I never saw anything so horrib ly unfinished in all my life, Mr. De Snorky! Never, sir, never! !" The embryo Jenkins read it carefully and handed it back, say- ing: “ Well, Mr. Growler, the article seems to be all right. It reads pretty well, I flatter myself !” “* Pup-pup-pup-pretty well, nonsense !_ Listen to this rot now: * ¢ © © © and the specious parlors were adorned with natural flowers." Now, Mr. Recherche, that is nice language for a journal of the Kaliominer’s standing to print now, isn't it? You are a fine adjective slinger, youare! Why, you bemuddled snoozer you, my little boy ten years of age would know enough to say: ‘And the gorgeous suite of Orientally draped parlors, whose walls were one solid mass of dazzling plate glass mirrors from marble wainscoting to frescoed ceiling, were festooned from cor- nice to peristyle and from bracket to architrave (these terms never mean anything special, but they are stock expressions and should always be rung in somewhere), with the rarest exotics (‘ exotics,’ man, ‘ exotics [—always ‘EXOTICS !!') gathered at a fabulous expense from the four corners of the earth, and arranged in the most skillful and attractive manner known to the florist’s art.” ** Now, don’t you sce how very consumptive ‘ flowers’ sound, when compared with the rich, rolling ‘ ex-ot-ics ?'"” DeCourcy faltered forth a shaky affirmative. “To resume, what do you say after ‘flowers’ ?—' Dancing was indulged in until 3 A.M.’ Oh! my stricken soul! Not a single reference to the ‘subtle perfume!" Where id you serve your apprenticeship? Don't you know, my dear Mr. DeCustard, that a society report without the ‘subtle perfume’ in it, is like the play of Hamlet, with Hamlet left out! I might have overlooked the use of the word ‘ flowers’ in licu of * exotics,” but the absence of the ‘subtle perfume '—Never!! You should have gone on, after ‘ flowers ’ (or ‘ exotics’), in this wise: ‘whose subtle per- fume quickened the ravished senses of the gay masquers (always remember to spell it with a “q™), who now abandoned them- selves to Terpsichorean revelry—as the dreamy, sensuous waltz, the dashing polka, and the alluring galop, was discoursed in heavenly strains by a superb orchestra—until the wee sma’ hours (“wee sma’ hours” is a “ bull's eye” on the gentle reader, every time), arrived, and the leaden morning rays gave the hitherto daz- aling gaslights in the crystal chandeliers, a dull and distre ap- pearance.’ ‘ Bistre’ is the correct Kibosh, my son, and rounds off the article with an appropriate contrast. Now, Mr. DeGoosey, in view of these lucid instructions, do you think you will be equal to the ‘choice exotic, subtle perfume, sensuous waltz, and distre racket,’ in the future DeCourcy thought it over and made up his mind that he would bea gigantic failure as an ‘‘ exotic-er,” a “ subtle perfumist,” or a delineator of **bistre"-some effects, and sadly tendered his resignation as “ Society Reporter" on the paper. He is now Chief Custodian of the Cuspidor and Grand Broom Wrestler Extraordinary, in the Aa/sominer office, at a salary of $3 per week and “ found'"—in old exchanges for use as a sleep- ing mattress, quilts, pillow, etc. EBENEZER FRESHQUILL, comicbooks.com