Life — March 8, 1883 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

> LIFE: ACT Il. Scene I.—Room in the Imported Mr, Osmond Tearle's House. TuE IMPORTED MR. OsMoND TEARLE enters hurriedly and tells his wife all! He borrows the money of the respectable old family servant and escapes, just as Hawkshaw, the Detective, comes to arrest him, Hawkshaw, the Detective, is too late, Scene I1.—London Railway Station, Tue Importep Mr, OsMOND TEARLE enters hurriedly and takes a train for Liverpool, just as Hawkshaw, the Detective, comes toarrest him, Hawkshaw, the Detective, is again too late, Scene II1.—A Country Lane. Tue Imported Mr. OsMonp Tearte [Entering R. and limping.]—I've shaved my beard while the train was in rapid motion, add I've changed my clothes, and I've jumped out of the train. And yet I am not happy. I've been reading Austin Dobson's ** Ballade of Prodigals” in the train and I'll use his refrain for my big speech on remorse.‘ Give us, oh, give us but yesterday !” [Exit L., limping.) Scene 1V.— The Chequers,” Gaddesden. Tue Imrortep Mr. Os- MOND TEARLE, [Entering L.) —My conscience and my left leg are equally painful. I cannot listen to the babble of these simple villagers imi- tated from M. Sardou’s, I'll have a private room. I am dressed as a sailor, and it's what sailors always do. Scene Vi—Room in “* The Chequers.” Tue ImporteD Mr. Os- ¢ MOND TEARLE, [Xeading a . paper. }—Here is yesterday's London Zimes. Now I shall get all the news. Now I shall know if Hawkshaw, the Detective, has a clue. Great Heavens! I am saved! The train I jumped from is totally destroyed! Terrible Loss of Life! Iam supposed to be dead. A Horrible Holocaust! Surely Heaven smiles on me and means to give me another chance. I'll go to America, where nobody knows me, and play three years and six months at Wal- lack's Theatre. ACT III. Scene I,—Skinner's Villa. THe ImporteD MR. Osmond TEARLE, [ Ze audience.J—I'm not on in this scene at all. Although the British dramatists have worked out their idea with ingenuity, they have not taken the trouble to avoid needless changes of scene. So I can't come on at all in this scene. I regret it. Please accept my apologies. Scene I1,—Home of the Imported Mr. Osmond Tearle's wife. Tne ImporreD Mr. OsmMonp Tearve.--During my three years and six months in America, I have made money, I am now called ‘‘ The Silver King” (gold value 82% cents). So I have disguised myself as Theodore Tilton, aided by the ‘‘ perru- quier to this theatre "—who is what you Americans would call a wigmaker. My wife is starving. So are my Highly In- tefligent Kids. I will give money to one of the Highly Intelli- ent Kids and she will pay the rent, and the audience will be fappy ‘once more. [Does it. The audience is happy.) ACT IV. Scene I—The Library at the Lawn, Kensington Park Gar- dens. Tue IMporTED MR. OsMoND TEARLE.—In this scene I forgive Mr. Buckstone who has sorges my name to a check, and I sur- prise Mr. Hawkshaw, the Detective. He thinks he recognizes me, but nothing comes of it. 119 Scene I.—The Grange, Gardenhurst. Tue Imported Mr. Osmond TEARLE.—In this scene I talk to the Highly Intelligent Kid and my wife begins to have an idea thatI am not dead. That’s all. Scene I11,—Outside Brake Wharf, Rotherhithe, Tue ImporTeD Mr. Osmond TeaRLE.—In this scene I’m disguised as a half-witted idiot, because I want to get into a Den of Thieves. Scene 1V.—Black Brake Wharf, Tue [aporteo Mr. Osmonp TEARLE.—In this scene I am in the Den of Thieves and ina striking scene, I shall discover my innocence. [Discovers his innocence.) ACT V. Scene I—Reception Room at the Lawn, Tue ImpoRTED Mr, OsMOND TEARLE.—This scene is on the programme, but we leave it out, now. Scene 11,—Skinner’s Villa, THe IMporRTED MR. OsMOND TEARLE.—It's too bad; but I'm notin this scene, either. Hawkshaw, the Detective, will have the exquisite felicity of seeing the Villain’s Wife with her back hair down, Scene III.— The Grange. Tue ImporteD Mr. OsMoND TEARLE.—I have explained all to my wife, and we are happy. So are the Highly Intelligent Kids. Perhaps my visit to America has made my ear more sen- sitive to these things ; but really it seems to me that my wife al- ways says “ Wen" and “ Wy” and ‘* Wot,” when she means “When” and “ Why” and ‘What.’ Still, we cannot have everything. Please go home, now, with my blessing, and this moral: When you are going to the devil by the lightning ex- press, get a villain to chloroform you and to make you believe you have killed your man ; and then—perhaps—you will reform, as I have done. ARTHUR PENN, THE SERVANT GIRL QUESTION. MIDDLE-AGED woman entered a Brooklyn car the other evening, and after taking her seat addressed herself to a window-pane opposite to her. In the course of her remarks she said: ‘* I never drank any liquor in me life, and I'll never more till I go home to ould Ireland, * No Irish nade indade! Me fine leddy wants a (Sore plain cook, washer ; but she must be Dutch, German or Swade. Faith, it’s a wonder, thin, they don’t want Prodestan’ horses. An Irish Catholic horse wouldn't be good enough to draw thim. {= or Gintile, they’re all alike. And me a mimber av the and League, too. An’ now, ladies and gintlemen,” she con- tinued, ‘‘if ache av yez will give me five cints I'll buy some whiskey whin I go home, and drink the health of yez all and success to the Land League.” There was no response, and the woman looking around and seeing that the car was empty, exclaimed : ‘‘ Howly Moses! No- body left but the conductor! I can’t trust meself wid the man, Lave me out ; lave me out.” She was left out. comicbooks.com