Judge, 1929-05-25 · page 17 of 36
Judge — May 25, 1929 — page 17: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This is a comedic play script using anthropomorphized trains and railroad equipment as characters in a melodramatic romance. The humor derives from puns mixing railroad terminology with human emotions and relationships. The plot: "Diner" (a young passenger car) loves "Diner's Motor" (an older locomotive). When an "Engine Chief" abducts her, "Private Car" (a mail car) rescues her. The dialogue consists entirely of railroad puns—"wreck-ognize," "boiler-head," "trolley-car for me," "semaphore," "furze her" (fuse), etc. This appears to be lighthearted wartime or early-20th-century humor exploiting Americans' fascination with trains. The joke relies on contemporary readers recognizing technical railroad language well enough to appreciate the wordplay. The illustration of an anthropomorphic locomotive reinforces this anthropomorphization throughout the narrative.
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Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
Citanactens Dixen, a young lady of high berth, Hen Moron, who is old and grade. Barreny Ex, @ Cab-alry Troop. Private Can, a fast mail, Kixo Toot, a heap big Engine Chief. Act Oxe covered wagon-crossing the (Passengers all-aboard with the trip.) Cry Look-Ovr—E ' Seppex GI} GAIL en-gauge battle.) Passencens - From \GINES! in fierce Hooray, here come the soldiers, ap- proaching information! (Ente Private Can, dashing up with Bartery Et.) Private Can—Beat it, you dang-dang dome-bells ! Kixa Toor (indignant- Ty)—What's that you are terminus? Private Can (decisive- ly, to Barvery Ex)—It is time-tables were turned on these villains! Battery Ex. (in unison) Then let us turn-tables on them! Private Car Ready- (Engines fle Passexcrns they have flue! VATE All right! aim—firemen ! Ah, at last (To Pu Can)—How can we express our tanks? Private, Car—Oh, don’t meengine it. Dixer’s Motor— Where's Diner? I lost track of her! A Passencen—That Engine chief has iway. As soon as he scenery grabbed her! Dixen’s Moror—Oh, oh, my heart will brake! Passexcens—Be Dinen’s Morton ( from such a tender have stoker m—seat down! -ping)—Ah, I have loved her ! > (Clutches tiny object sleeper—her little “baby little See, here is her ch Putvate: Can (rushing up to Motor)—Chair up, lady! I will go and conductor safely home ! Dinen’s Moror—Oh, aisle be so grate-ful! Private Can—Is her head-light or dark? JUDGE Going Train No More! A Rail True Story By Marian Deitrick “Engin’ Chief” Dixeu’s Moron—She is very fare. golden trestles. Private Car her? Dinen’s Motor—She has had appendicitis, and you can see horse-car. She has long How clse shall [ wreck-ognize Private Can——Well, I will find her subway (excuse me, I have an awful coal). Diner's Moror—Cinder home, fusee her. 1 | would do the semaphore you. Private Can—Well, I blow. Pip-pip! | Dixen’s Morton (seaving)—Tootle-00! Act Two Scene — The Engine Reservation. (Enter Pui vatr Car.) Private Can—Stop, vil- lain! Do not tie that | maiden to yon tree! kK DoT (evasively) —Fuel tell us switch of us | you are talking to— Private Can— Lever To you! or we will put a Kip Must be a | coupler other fellers! Private Can (sternly) — | a shuttle con- | (He chutes.) smoke clears, (When Engines are running-light- | ly over plains.) Diver (shyly)—I wa- | ter-tank you for sav Private Can—Why, you are all pale and. shaki through-freight ! | | . Dixen — You have a ~ great at-traction for Can— And I es-steam you highly. | Dixer—Will you be my hub?) Wheel beso happy. | Private Can—But Tam of a lower-level than you! | | Dixrn—I do not care what your station! You | are agent! Private Car (doubtfully) be mad at choo? Dinrr- Private for me? Diner (blushingly)—Well, here is the only rail- way to show affection! (Kisses him.) (Both sing softly, Be—cars .. 1... Love You!) (Curtain) Private Won't your Motor My Motor can go boiler-head in deep fat. Can—And you really and_ trolley ty comicbooks.com