Judge — August 11, 1928 — page 16: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE THIS WAY TO THE MUSH- ROOMS, SIR, SAID THE OB- QUIOUS MENIAL I can’t give you anything but lov AND old beer- stained gags, so bite into this one. “Look here, Haisley,” an- nounced the warden of Joliet. “Your wife's in the anteroom and wants to see 4 ” “Oh, blankety-blank blank,” was the petulant riposte. “Tell her I'm out!” The laugh was on him— he was a lifer! pa poosie— Made-to-Order Heavens at The Vaudeville Performer’s } In my heaven I play only two- a-day on Big Time. No split j weeks on the Alfalfa Circuit, no four-a-day on Sunday and_holi- i} days; no dressing with trained ] seals or educated dogs. My dress- ing room door has a Big Star on it and the call boy gets lumbago bowing to me. My just before intermission and I panic them with my songs and pitter-patter. When I ad lib my ni nifties stop the show until Man- eger St. Peter makes a_ little specch to pacify the customers. I get two column notices in the Paradise papers. My name in electric lights flashes against the darkness of the night. Four angels sort and answer my mash notes, and I occupy three rooms in Heaven's swellest hotel. I wear a black and_ white checked coat and a fawn-colored ct goes on AGF, 1 walk down the Celestial Ga White Way the shades of Jefferson, Ben Welch and John Drew shake my hand and praise my new routine .. . this, indeed, is Heaven! Artie L. Lirpstann Time and Temper Saver Most radio fans fool around with the dials until they get some- thing they like. This often re- quires considerable patience. Another method is to look up the programs in the papers. ‘The trouble here is that, like plans for making a lot of money, they look a lot better on paper than they turn out to be. There is only one absolutely actory method. If you are buying goods, you want to know what you're getting. And when you're selecting radio progr: you want to know what you're getting. Hence our method: You sit at your window until one of your neighbors gets some- thing you like, and then you tune in on that on your own radio. Simple, eh? —R. C. O'Brien Macrc-Canret-Rear-Seat-Driven—I’m sick of that fellow's halo hangs over my head. When back. Can't you pass him comicbooks.com