Judge — May 26, 1928 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE SOD Every time Uncle Jason, the centenarian, calls on his twin brother it means a broken door; because, even if he could hear Jason knock, Jason couldn't hear him say, You, Too, Can Become a Murderer! “It was while serving as judge of a criminal court,” said B. Bur- pee Bushwhack, multimillionai manufacturer of New York, Chi- cago, and Memphis, Tennessee, “that I became aware that mod- ern murder, progressing at an astounding rate, had encountered its limitations, and that until some rad steps were taken in its behalf it would be at a stand- still. Resolving to dedicate my own life to the cause, I cast aside my robes of office, and, hurrying out into the street, hacked a hack driver to death with his own hack. At Sing Sing, during the years that followed, heart to heart with the American) mur- derer himself, I found out what he wanted, “Immediately upon my release I set to work, for it was straw hat day, and I did not wish to be y first ad, in Vanity ‘You, Too, Can Become a Murderer! Send Your Name and Address for a Free Copy of ‘The Murderer’s | Handbook!/—Every Murderer or Prospective Mur- derer Should Have One!’ brought a return of $2,000,000,000 in sales. “Perhaps you'd like to see some of my samples! This collee- “Come in.” tion, you will readily appreciate, is for beginners. This is the Per- fected Pocket Pickare. This, the Krafty Kranium Kruncher, Skill- ful Skull Skweezer, or Knifty Knob Knipper, which clamps easily to the bedstead and ad justs itself automatically to the victim's head as he sleeps. “You will observe, as we pass on to the more advanced devices, that the element of effect plays an increasingly important réle, with manner of death a second- ary consideration, This _ little contrivance, resembli a com- mon clotheswringer, is known as the Flagrant Flattener. average body, put through it a single time, will come out as flat as paper. By tacking the com- pressed corpse to the wall, an i ordinately gratifying effect. may be realized. After the fun is over, the decorations may be taken down and saved for the next party. “This little instrument, a fa- vorite among murderers of dis- crimination, is called the Fiend- ish Fileter, designed to reduce the remains to a skeleton, which may be left seated at a writing desk, or apparently reading a copy of Liberty. Pinwheels set off from behind the cars will pro- duce a splendid scenic effect. This is an artifice particularly to where — baffle- ment is desired, as well as in in- stances where, owing to the death of a relative perhaps, the mur- derer wishes to avoid publicity— a skeleton being so difficult to identify that in the attempt to find the victim the murderer is forgotten. “And while on the subject of baflement, you must sce this little appliancee—my new electric baffle iron. Makes delicious baf- fles in less time that it takes to tell it, with no greasing, the lid lifting automatically when the baffle is done. $12.50, complete; 5 with special additional at- for blocking Panama taking intimate interior ‘movies’ of your loved ones, and registering what are trumps. “The ‘partitioner,’ that type of murderer prevailing today, is apt to find himself embarrassed when confronted with the problem of disposing of the parts. ‘Before taking your course,’ writes one satisfied customer, ‘7 was so em barrassed I didn’t kn chat to do with my hands and f Now T know what to do with any- body's hands and fect—just any old body's! The ‘partitioner’ is a great thing. (Signed) Mrs. Flossie Graham, 18 Christopher Street, New York City!” Jaguira, be recommended hats, comicbooks.com