Judge — May 26, 1928 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE Every Man His Own Epigrammatist Here are a let of dopes ankling around at the moment of writing who are beset with the notion that just they have flayed away their pyorrhea, hurled a defi at dandruff, bathed their hairs in assure it that rich, well-g effect, they gatl cring. he wise mone all those in the know is on quite another who would be the univers: ter of attraction must needs com- mand attention by a facile tongue coupled with ready wit. And there is nothing like a good, salty epigram to wow the customers and make yourself the admired of women and the envied of men, By special arrangement with my publishers (Brown, Harris, Wheelock, Vought & Co.) I am setting down here + few tions excised from my Giant Pocket ammar. For those in the audience who labor under the allusion that an epigram is what you send through the Western Union, like a night letter, only longer, I would say that it is merely a fashionable re- mark delivered in a dinner coat and dealing with Life, Love, Marriage, or any one of those subjects that the upper Four Hundred mouths over during the because direc- Little Here is a sample epigram by Whistler, the justly celebrated composer of “Listen to the Mocking Bird “Love is like a bird-cage; those who are in, want to be out; and those want to be in.” If you scan these lines you will see that it means practically nothing and that it could hi been composed by a five-year-old paranoiac down with scar. but if it is delivered in a voice with an arch look on the deliverer’s kisser, one will prob- ably find Doubleday and Doran bending over your shoulders offer- ing to print their next novel. The whole secret of building a good working epigram at small cost in the home is to take a sub- ject like Life or Woman or Progress and look tired while you say practically nothing about it. Here are three or four epigrams which if they had been composed by Oscar Wilde in the Parody Club would have been chiseled on Westminster Abbey. “Women find in’ marria anodyne; men find in it an ano- dyne for love.” fe deals with women better than does with men; it finds her eynical and leaves her senti- mental; it finds him sentimental and leaves him cynical.” “Progress is ephemeral; we judge mass advancement by the cigars and port wine, who are out, minds of those about us, forget- ting our own shortcomings in the contemplation of the lowest com- mon denominator. “Wise men have said of love that it is the pastime of men and n of women; but what ation of women if not The best way of getting these nifties off is with a cynical smile on the pan like Albert Menjou. It is a good plan to act very tired, as if you just got up after two hours on a road-bed. If you have a mustache, twirl it 1 guidly, flicking an infinitesim: ash off your sleeve with the free hand. After two or three epi- grams a world-weary sigh coupled with a good hot French adverb like “Eh bien! Let us join the ladies in the solarium,” will anni- hilate them. And it is a hard hearted hostess indeed who will not be down on her ki tre: ating you to write a poem in aph album by the time agon arrives. I have been in the social game since the sent that grand old man Ward MacAllister up to the Big House for blowing his nose at the Elks’ Convention, and in the words of the greatest master of epigrams imself, George Jean Perelman: ams are like a bird-cag who are in, want to be out; and those who are out, want to be in.” —Perecman Since Mr. Peasley got the palsy he picks up quite a bit of change among the neighbors, shaking their dust mops, furnaces, cocktails, etc. comicbooks.com