Judge — February 4, 1928 — page 16: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE The Fable of the Hard Boiled Yegg and the Angel in Human Form (With apologies to George Ade) Once upon a time there was a Yegg who had robbed every Bank from Frisco to Old Or- chard, Maine. His Finger Prints were as well known as Gloria Swanson’s ankles and he was generally regarded by the Politzei as a Heartless Bandit who Shot to Kill. One Twilight he was lolling in his Silk Dressing Gown yearning for New Worlds to Conquer. “Mathewson,” he spake unto his Faithful Retainer who was Hov- ering About, “fetch me my copy of Bradstreet’s Rating Bible. I feel a bit of Larceny is immi- nent.” Finally he picked out an AAAI Rating on The Boulevard, and after packing his Dynamite, Jimmies, D-ills and Fuses into his Gladstone Bag, he washed up and Went to Work. An hour later as he was helping himself to a couple of Nifty Sparklers and a Platinum Brooch he heard a fe- male voice like the Tinkling of a Waterfall. He looked up and a Cute Little Thing of about Eigh- teen slipped into the room. She wore her hair in a Psyche Knot Mipstout [Ntruper and looked like the Correspond- ing Secretary of the Epworth League. mans,” she said. “Going to take all of Mitzi’s nice jewelry that came from her poor old Uncle Hiram.” The Yegg, who had a Heart of Gold under his silk underwear, about to Clout Her One when she turned on the water- works and wept a few. Hay Tender Heart and being gre impressed by Maidenly. Puri he handed her back the Spark and then joined her in. singing Hymn Number 125 from the amily Hymnal which Reclined on the Table. A little while later, with the Hot Tears streaming down his Hardened Cheeks, he left the Swell Chateau and returned to his Humble Duplex Apartment of Eighteen Rooms and a But- ler's Pantry. He was a Sadder But a Wiser Man. Her Image was Ever Before Him. He was about to Forsake Crime and go into some Honest Business like bootlegging. “You're home early, Sir,” said Mathewson, helping His Master into his Smoking Jacket. “Might I be so bold as to inquire where you left your Watch, your Dia- mond Stickpin, your Eighteen Carat Sparkler, your Gold Belt Buckle, your Platinum Fob and your Diamond Studded Knife? ‘An examination of your Trousers reveals the Absence of your some two or three dollars in Small Change, your Check Book, your Safe Deposit Vault Keys and other personal trinkets. You came Home sans your Burglar Tools and I think some of the Gold Inlays have been re- moved from Your Mouth.” Moral: A Miss Isn't Always as Good as Her Smile. —Artuer L, Lippmann An Innovation The newspapers ought to take a tip from their racing experts, and have weather forecast ex- perts. That is, cach paper should have its expert. Then one paper might run a chart, showing all the selections. Like this: Ga- zette, rai ily Tab, fair and warmer; with probable snow; D. bite, cloud. pF snow, with increasing winds and employment; Consensus, nasty. Probable odds: Rain, even. Snow, three to one. Perfect, twenty to one. Fair, two to one. Don’t bet on the weather. 2 , What a fool—what,a fool I was to cut the wires before T came in! comicbooks.com