Judge — July 31, 1926 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE HIGH HAT Judge, Jr., I'm surprised writes Myrtle of Bedford “not knowing about ‘Silver Spray’ and you so up on everything! It’s the new Ginger Ale with the grape flavor. Believe me, it's nectar when mixed with Gordon Water or any other brand of Forbidden Fruit Juice. The reason it hasn't arrived in New York as yet is that we out here in the Middle West are drinking it up as fast as they can make it!” ..... Myrtle, we thank you from the bottom of our wine glass! fp Mr. Merrick, of Ventnor City, N. J., suggests the unique expression, “Put that on rye bread” what this means Mr. Merrick neglects to it's probably supposed to be a snappy comeback for some applesauce remark. fp The above snappy comeback gives me a bright idea I'm going to study ventriloquism ..... “Yes, yes, go on,” you say ina tense voic when [have become an expert vei ntril- oquist I'm going to begin popping wise cracks at people and throw my voice so that it appears somebody else spoke In this way I can tell whether the said wise cracks have gone not without fear of . ++. When one of them makes a hit I can use it straight and ely become popular over- night n'est-ce pas? pect a big royalty fror that advertise those people “Surprise your friends Become a Ventriloquist,” because I know this idea will catch on no end! Mary Ulffers, of Jersey City, writes in and wants to know what I look like, whether I’m single and happy. what my salary is, who my boot- legger is, how old Tam, w kind of acar I drive, and do I get a commis- sion for advertising shows and night clubs, etc . Well, Mary, it’s this handsome, am single and siaturally happy, my salary is (whisper this) very modest, my boot- legger’s name and address may be had for ten dollars (cash) and T just turned twenty-six. I'd mention the name of the car I drive only you'd think I got a commission for it. However, it starts witha C.....and Mary, I don’t get a commission for mentioning shows and night clubs you never see any ads of these things next to my copy, do you? As you do in some weekly magazines I could mention O-oh, what a dirty crack! fp Letters and tel in from a grams keep pouring ious people wanting to know when my already famous book, “Recipes and Reer will be ready ..... patience, folks, patience! .... We writer folk are very tempera- mental and cannot be hurried, but don’t worry I will keep faith with my public! tions” aed Florence Haxton informs me that beach tennis is the last gasp out thar on Long Island the idea is to play at low tide and the court is marked off by making lines in the sand with a stick the correct attire for the gentleman is a dinner coat and bathing trousers and for the lady a crepe-de-chine organdie with netting, or something like that. fe No change in the Six Best pers” this week ... be a run on the “Valencia piece “On the Rivie quite popular and now we have “Barcelona” “Step- . there seems to Grandma Says "Turse envelope chemise is. called that cause they can fold ’em into Won't be fore they have posteard panties, I an envelope. long now guess. Its all this here gin drinkin’ that’s makin’ the younger generation weak. Ain’t none of ‘em could stand a good stiff shot of applejack. When a Broadway revue runs into the summer and they want to cha to summer-weight costumes they have to get girls with lighter skins. Talk about your onc-arm drivers. You can’t wind the steering-wheel around the whip socket like a pair of reins and the horse power don't know the grassy roads cither. Girls used to be awed by these Now they're Carroll watchumacallit stories. just bored. A Weighty Matter Though light of weight I havea heart of iron. For years I have been exercising WEIGH bul five pounds. with men. [have made big brawny muscles out of soft flabby ones. I have put robust health into puny bodies. I have painted the rose-tint of youth on middle-aged cheeks and put new life into clogged arteries and yet the fool who named me called me a dumb-bell. ‘0, this isn’t a parachute. only Dora diving.” comicbooks.com