Judge — July 26, 1924 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Some people are MceAdoomed to disappointment, The Senator from Montana “Senator Walsh, as the country’s cham- pion cross-examiner, you will not mind, I hope, answering a few friendly questions on your own account?” ‘Go ahead, Jupce. After umpiring the Democratic National Convention I can stand anything.” “It’s about that experience that I want to interro- gate you. But first let me congratulate you on a masterly performance as the permanent chairman of the most exhausting national convention in the history of the country. Your good judgment and patience, Senator, were among the few redeeming features of the gathering.” “You do me too much honor, JupGe. As a good Democrat I can’t agree with you regarding the fruits of the convention. And in the second place there is another that should share whatever credit belongs to the Permanent Chairman. [ refer to my gavel.” “But your gavel behaved abominably—head kept flying off and...” “That's where you do it an injustice, your Honor. One or the other of us had to fly off the handle and fortunately my gavel always beat me to it. You remember when the head flew off and knocked out a delegate from Brooklyn? Well, I'm not a saadist by nature but for the moment that delegate typified for me the whole ornery lot of them and when [ saw him take the count I felt better. In fact I became my old calm imperturbable self for the remainder of the convention.” “All right, Senator. We'll give the gavel his due. But there is something coming also to the delegate from Brooklyn who engaged the gavel téte-d-léte so to speak.” “Yes, indeed. His was much the best piece of head- work in the Garden.” How about a monument to the Unknown Delegate, consisting of a pedestal of wilted collars surmounted by a petition in bankruptcy and a decree of divorce? Altruistic Smith “Ts Al Smith in please ac the courtroom? — Al, apt the Court's profound thanks for what you did to Messrs. McAdoo and Bryan at the Democratic convention.” “But holy cats, Jupce, look what they did to me!” “There, there, now. You're among friends, so you might as well confess that you knew from the first you couldn't be nominated. It was your job to hold the fort for the next best man who could. And you did it like the good soldier and sport you are.” “Well, since you put it that wa right. What do “Fine, Al y, maybe you're you think of the nominee?” Next to you the best bet in the Demo- cratic: par But what on earth took you so long to nominate him? Looks to me as if he’d been slated to head the ticket from the first, like Harding at Chicago.” “How can you say that, JupGr, after all the two weeks’ hullabaloo in that simmering pit? The dele- gates chose him from the field.” “There you go ag You ought to be more candid with a sincere friend and admirer.” “Excuse me, Jupce. It’s my professional training. The truth is, it’s bound to take some time in any con- vention to persuade a man who’s spent a lot of time and money getting delegates in the primaries, that nominations don’t usually come that way. And this fellow McAdoo was a bird! He was already in the White House writing his first message to Congress and we couldn't seem to wake him up.” “Well, you did. And you're the hero of the serap.”” “Thank you, Jupce, but I don't want to be a hero, I'm only a regular. It’s the old army game.” The Same Old Stuff The La Follette convention at Cleveland took fewer days than the Democratic affair took weeks to transact its business and adjourn. But in another respect it was quite as farcical and even more disappointing. All of us have come to expect cowardice and evasion in the platforms of the two major parties. But how could one associate such things with La Follette or the La Folletteers! And yet one hunts in vain in their platform for a mention of Prohibition, the Ku Klux Klan, or the League of Nations. It serves us right, for believing that there could be any essential difference in the game of politics no matter who played it. The business of the political party or the politician is to get votes. This means that before taking any stand whatever it is necessary to count the cost. If the cost seems high, the office seekers’ manual says: ‘Trim, equivocate, evade.” So our choice for President this year, ladies and gentlemen, lies among three candidates not one of whom dares venture a genuine opinion on the only issues that really interest us. Remember, therefore, not to mention them in their presence lest they faint. William Morris Houghton. cComicbooks.com