Judge — September 22, 1923 — page 30: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“I Don’t Guess—I Invest” How one man found out the safe way to get 7% I used to buy stocks and bonds with- out asking much about them, just because my friends told me they were “good things,” and that the price was sure to advance so that I would make a nice profit. My money dis- appeared time after time and I never saw it again. The Rule of Common Sense Then, one day Jim Watson came into the store after the bank had closed and asked if 1 would cash a check he had gotten in the mail. It was drawn by G. L. Miller & Company of Atlanta, 3a. “I never heard of these people, Jim,” I said, “but T guess your endorsement makes the check good.”” “It doesn't make it any better than it was before,” Jim snapped back. “I have been getting those checks regularly now every six months for a number of years, and not one of them has ever come back on me. Miller Mortgage Bonds are about as safe as any- thing you could own.” That made me prick up my ears, for I was on the lookout for a safe investment. Jim told me how carefully Miller bonds are safe- guarded, being secured by first mortgages on valuable buildings, by a first claim on the rents of the buildings, and by all sorts of legal protection. “But how can you be sure they are safe, even with all these safeguards?” I asked. “They are safe because they are reasonable,” Jim replied. The Test of Reasonableness Then I realized for the first time that any invest- ment to be safe must conform to common sense I discovered that Miller Bonds answer the test of common sense from start to finish. They pay 7 per cent because that is the rate com- monly paid on that sort of loans in the South They are safe because the value of the property is conservatively estimated and only a reason- able amount is loaned against each building, and because a certain amount is set aside out of each month's earnings to pay interest and principal. That is how I solved the secret of investing safely and profitably. A complete copy of the investment story from real life, from which this incident 15 taken, will be sent on request. Ask for the story, "I Don't Guess—T Invest!” $100 Bonds; $500 Bonds; $1000 Bonds Interest paid twice yearly Yield Up to Partial payment accounts invited 118 Carbide and Carbon Bld 30 East 42nd St., w York Philadelphia Pittsburgh St. Louis Atlanta Memphis Knoxville ““First—The Investor's Welfare” MAIL THIS COUPON TODAY L. MILLER & CO., Inc. 118 Carbide and Carbon Bldg., 30 East 42nd St., New York Dear Sirs:, Please send me the story, “I Don't Guess— 1 Invest!" and tell me what you recommend ‘for ‘an investment of maturing in about (These blanks need not be filled ini, but the information Kelps us to give the investor personal attention.) Name Address City and State. Sally of Our Bowling Alley (Continued from page 15) Oh, [ can't tell a bowling ball From a soccer ball, I grant, And really I don’t care at What difference if 1 only go to hold her hand, (We're getting ve ally, I and the elf from fairyland Who works in Murphy's Alley!) te I've won my joyous heroine's Undying love by sending A magnet that attracts the pins Without the maiden’s bending. “O helpmate!” she exclaimed, “you do Not come, like some to dally. And then I kissed her (wouldn't you?) In Murphy's Bowling Alley! Some day we'll Sally forth, I swear, For Elysium in a dory, While all m; pull their hair (A pretty alleygory.) But whether or not i honeymoon That way with lovely Sully, I'm going to snatch the maiden soon From Murphy's Bowling Alley! T? mucH emphasis cannot be placed on the importance of the introduction of the female clement. Eventually it will result in the cutting down of the bowling course from four to three and a half years. The six months devoted to applied profanity will be eliminated. All swearing at co-ed alleys will be done in whispers and unusual proficiency will not be necessary. The balls won't be able to var what you’ aying, anyway; and there’s no point in wasting polished pro- fanity on undertones. After all, the idea is to tell the balls what you think of ’em. In “Bread,” a fairly tasty but over- baked fictional loaf which feminists will say has too much crust, Charles Norris S. M. Hutchinson woman's place is the home. This is disap- pointing. Wo- man’s place is wherever she wants to be, in- cluding the bowl- ing alley. Here, in the realm of fallen pins, she may stoop to conquer obesity. Paid to do bend- ing exercises, there is no longer any reason why she should be fat. The righting of each pin is a con- tribution toward ultimate pulchri- tude. Smiling happily Milady Tontruck of Muller's Alley is singing at her work; she is sing- | ing the e familiar | lines (slightly al- tered for the oc- ion) that Her- rick wrote in his famous exhorta- ame girl that’s fat to-day ‘To-morrow will be thin. How the Grade % vaudeville performer will welcome the advent of women in bowling alleys! To be sure, his familiar references to the bossy house- wife who brings a rolling-pin down on the head of her spouse are excruciatingly funny; perhaps, with the exception of the mother-in-law joke, there is nothing so mirth-provoking in the realm. of comedy. But that rolling-pin has been wielded so many times that it must be cracked by now—like a bat Babe Ruth has swung once too often—and here is a chance to give it a rest and earn even lustier chortles. We can hear Blookins of Blookins and Beezell, “those clever song-and-patter artists,” singing: She used to hit him with a rolling-pin But now she socks him with a bowling-pin, while an ecstatic audience howls with laughter. And when the “artists” reach: He ducks and leaves his happy home When a duck-pin bounces off his dome, well, at this point ambulances are rushed up to carry out those that laughed so hard they broke blood vessels or suffered a stroke. After all, comedy is a great institution even if it does kill off a few people. We confidently predict that. in the future Thalia, the muse of comedy, will be represented by artists as a pin- girl in a bowling alley alia will not mind; girl has spent a good part in the theater and she won't mind playing another réle. We can vis- ualize her cheerfully going about her job of righting the fallen pins and we can al- most hear her singing the nursery rhyme: See a pin and pick it up; All the day it brings good luck. He—Yes, my great grandfather planted this grove when he was a boy! Sweet Thing—You expect me to believe that? “Of course. Why not?” tion: “How could a boy plant such big trees?” comicbooks.com