Judge — July 14, 1923 — page 28: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

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CH! | Makers of Everything (n Band and Orchestra Instruments | 4889 Buescher Block Elkhart, Indiana EVERY READER OF JUDGE might have the print of a famous drawing, but only one could have the original! Judge’s Originals are by the leading artists in the country and can be purchased at stall cost. Simply specity sub- Ject of the one you like to us and we will do the beai Judge's Art Department 627 West 43d Street New York City NEW SUMMER EDITION GLOBE "'i8iny 2 ERE" POP. MAT. x"gkt: BEST SEATS $2 FIFTH ANNUAL PRODUCTION GEORGE WHITE’S SCANDALS AGENTS £28", 210 prorirs with Harpers ‘ge Set. Washes and dries windows, scrubs, mops, cleans walls, sweeps, etc. Com- plete set costs less than brooms. Can start without investing @ cent. Write Harper Brush Works, 139 A St., Fairfield, towa ff You Can Tell it fi GENUINE DIAMON |MEXICAN DIAMOND IMPORTING CO.. (Exclusive controllers Mezican Diamonds) Irrational Seasick Guest—Man overboard! Host—Where? “Not quite yet ... but j-just in a minute.” THE BUSY PHILOSOPHER by Walt “ HEER up,” I say to Hiram Heck, whose face is wet with tears; he has some boils upon his neck, and sores upon his ears. “A doleful countenance,” I say, “will only make you worse; far better smile and cry ‘hooray,’ than spring a kick or curse. The flesh is governed by the mind, the brain controls the bile, and you will leave your ills behind if you will sing and smile. I know your agony is great, my sympathy is yours, but you are but a dippy skate to buy those drug store cures. They never, never hit the spot, they heal no human aches; all medicines are simply rot, and docs are dolled up fake The only medicine on earth that’s worth a picayune is good old honest, harmless mirth, the cheery smile and tune.” The days pass by and Hiram Heck comes to my garden gate; the boils have vanished from his neck, he has his ears on straight. He finds me ‘neath my banyan tree, with bottles all around, with liniments and boneset tea in jugs upon the ground. “What, ho!” he cries, “and eke odds fish! I hear you're feeling tough, and find you drinking from a dish all sorts of drug store stuff. Oh, gaffer, take your own advice, and throw that dope ! I know it isn’t worth the price, whatever price you pay. Oh, gaffer, gayly let us spin, and dance the lea along! A buoyant yip, a merry grin, will make you hale and strong!” I slugged him with a chunk of coal, Isoaked him with a brick, I jarred him with a ten-foot pole, I smote him with a pick. It’s well enough to hand out bunk when others part. are in pain, when in their feet and limbs and trunk fierce maladies ob- tain; philosophy’s a rod and staff for 26 enough; And weekly ly as the JupcE appears I banish every thought of tears For Walt, I know, will drive away All weighty thoughts throughout the day, For you're a regular brick, old dear, So please accept this humble cheer! For when you take your pen in tow And write the language that I know I read beneath the funny stuff And find that you have called life’s bluff. You understand the human heart. You've found your niche and play your God sent you here to cheer us up— To counteract the sorrow cup— And though I labor long all day In office grime—and draw my pay, I know when next the JupcE appears Walt will be there to stay my tears. Mason which all men have yearned, but who can stand the bitter gaff to have his bunk returned? I say wise things to Jane, my wife, as I sit by the fire; I'd have her so conduct her life that neighbors ‘may admire. “Economy’s the one best bet,” I say, in earnest tones; ‘‘a woman should keep out of debt and save the hard- earned bones. Too many foolish wives are bent on blowing in the dough; con- sider well the useful cent before you Ict it go. Consider that it is a crime in action and in thought, to fool away the helpful dime for which your husband wrought. Oh, keep a set of books, my dear, let system be your friend; set down, in figures large and clear, whatever coins you spend. A penny for a spool of thread—just set it down like that— a nickel for a loaf of bread, a quarter for a hat. Thus you will learn, my dear, to prize the groats for which I toil; you'll be a treasure in my eyes, to quote the words of Hoyle.” “That’s very well,” my wife replies; “you've lectured many times; I do the best that in me lies to save the priceless dimes. If you would only do the same we'd have a goodly roll, but you engage in every gamethatputs Ode to Walt Mason man in the hole. by Claire Goldenberger ‘aut Mason, I have read your stuff ‘And laughed my head off, sure You blow yourself for silken shirts, you buy a suit a week, you patronize the soda squirts, you let the roubles leak—” I grab my hat and walking stick, my earmuffs and my lyre, and leave the cottage pretty quick, for haunts that I desire. FAS How many New Yorkers are ready to paraphrase De- catur’s slogan? My country, may she always be wet but my country, wet or dry! ] to- | hay lepi wha comicbooks.com